remembering...

i forget that my brother is male and needs support and affirmation too...

*sigh* this winter's going to be harder than i thought

what to do?

just calculated grades for pharm semester 1

i need a 3.0.

i need a 2.8 to be on "probation"

i got 2.6

oh jesus, if there was ever a doubt that i need you to deliver me, it's now.


-------------------------
but may your will be done.

who i am is not who i want to be

i know why i ran out today
why i refused to let you pray for me

you see...

the reason i don't want you to see my tears, is because SHE would not have shed tears. SHE would not have had her discipler + two random sisters pray for her departure. SHE would not have ever been thought of as emotional. SHE would have had her beloved roommate as well as esther + HER discipler to pray and send her off.

because in my heart, i didn't want to be annie. i wanted to be HER.

i wanted HER discipline more than my emotional desire to follow God.
i wanted to be able to say awesome prayers like HER without the Spirit moving me to tears every time.
i wanted HER background of a pastor father and family members who serve Christ.
i wanted HER sheer number of disciples rather than my few faithful ones.
i wanted HER close experience with her VSET women's team leader rather than my own where we butted heads over and over.
i wanted a roommate like HERs who would share everything with me and love me like a sister in Christ.
i wanted to be loved like HER by other sisters, who'd come by and sleep over, pray, talk, sing praise.
i wanted you to see me like you see HER and praise me.

------------------------------------------
i wanted all these things that are HERs. and i wanted to be loved like HER.

but i know God didn't make me this way. and it tears me apart because i'm made the way he wanted me to be.

but deep down, i really hate who i am.

knowing nothing

knowing physio is like knowing God.

you think you've understood it all. and then when push comes to shove,

you find that all you know is the tip of the iceberg...

for now we see in a mirror darkly...

i look at you and
i see that lack of trust unwilling to bend
i see your hurt that comes from past hurts
i see your insecurities, your failures, your self esteem

every sentence you say is "I, I, I.."
"I don't like this.."
"I'm not happy here..."
"I don't like my father"
"You don't understand how I feel"

Darling,
I see your pride, i see your emptiness
and it 's like looking into a mirror reflecting back

for what separates us is nothing and,
at the same time,
a world of change.

-----------------------------------

but oh man, we dearly need Jesus.

(eavesdropping on a conversation at a coffee shop)

engagement

Jesus, you totally make the best fiance...

because you've given me what cost you the most-- your life. and expect me to give you nothing in return...

only that i say "yes"

---------------------------------
10 My lover said to me,
“Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!
11 Look, the winter is past,
and the rains are over and gone.
12 The flowers are springing up,
the season of singing birds[e] has come,
and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.
13 The fig trees are forming young fruit,
and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.
Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!”

~Song of Songs 2

cup o' joe

good coffee should make you praise the Lord...

bad coffee should cause us to fall on our knees in repentance. Jesus' cup was far bitterer than this...

reminisce

...what happened since those days?

Jesus, i want to go back to those times when my heart wasn't this burdened by sin.

-------------------------------------------------

update!
going to work on the reconciliation on tuesday. prayer for my heart to be in its proper spot. humble, quick to listen, slow to speak...

in midst of pancakes...

11 pm

smell of butter, maple syrup, managed care n' pencils before me.
in comes a huge group, mixed black and white, all college students.
loud, joyful group. some wearing shirts indicating a church group or fellowship.
i only catch the word God on one of their shirts (usually a good sign)
they take up a whole half of Denny's

the talk turns to cheers. and suddenly, a gospel song rises up.
strong men's voices start, followed by harmonizing group of altos and soprano females

all everyone else in the restaurant can do is close their eyes and let the praise wash over them...

"fare thee well, fare thee well" : an anthem of goodbye to the worldly things
the song then ends with more cheering and the crowd resumes their talk

and i'm ever convinced that my pancakes are but temporary sustenance. the praise of HIM is what continues to give my soul strength.

(a scratchy version listed below. it was glorious hearing it in the restaurant)

no complaints (for once)

3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

------------------------------------------------------------------
don't enjoy suffering. but it's a "blessed" state to be in.

without suffering, i cannot experience his grace. without knowing the depths of my sin, i cannot experience mercy. and without godly sorrow, i cannot even repent.

only you can bring me to tears this easily.

missing peace

where has it gone?

prayer to write...

God's good. and i'm encouraged by my subscriptions to how the family is experiencing him...

Lord, turn my heart again back to you. and empty me...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
on another note, i find myself thinking day after day of Mongolia. I miss the land and culture and experience. but what shames me is the lack of love i have for the people. what i long for is the thirst of adventure, not for the souls of the people i know to experience Him...

what i want is not of eternal things, but worldy things.

i wish to long for eternal things again, like the Savior's love.

was reading a brother's entry and I AM LIVING MY LIFE TO BE A PLAQUE ON THE WALL. achievements, grades, forced image of 'spirituality', it's all a sham...

what was built is made of gold, costly materials, no less... but it'll all burn away at the end.

and i realize too, the less i dwell in the vine, the more lacluster my writing becomes.

and i long to write poetry again...

i no longer live, but CHRIST lives in me

Why did you take away both of my grandmothers in the span of a year?

But all i feel numbness. and the only verse that comes to mind is one that I have set my life on...

I have been crucified with Christ and I NO LONGER LIVE (!) but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the flesh I live BY FAITH in the SON OF GOD who LOVED ME and GAVE HIMSELF FOR ME.

Gal 2:20

We recite this over and over. and yet, it continues to pour Christ's love in me. I cannot grieve for I have such a God who loves me and who loves my grandmother. He died for her as well as for me. We are both new creations.

That moment we believed, we ceased to be who were were but instead, lived by Christ. even in physical death, we will be raised to have eternal life in Christ. for WE NO LONGER LIVE but CHRIST LIVES IN US!

she was 92. PRAISE THE LORD that she's going home to our Creator.

looking for love... in the right place

alright Jesus, i'm ready for a relationship... with you

therefore, captivate my heart with you. let me fall more in love with you alone.

let's start over...

beautiful soles

pulled out the dirty crocs today. first time since VSET since i've worn them.

dirty, but doesn't he say that the feet that bring good news are "beautiful"?

his goodness.

that's what i've forgotten.
the steps i've taken in these shoes, the message that he's given me to say to the lost, and the broken hearted, the captive, the prisoners, to myself...

to proclaim this year as the year of our Lord. to trade ALL of our ashes for beauty.
to trade in the bread that does not satisfy and partake of that which will never let me hunger again...

to think of it, i've been hungry for a while.

now what?

it's not God that i hate, it's people.

alright, so now i'm this bubbling cesspool of bitterness.

Jesus, how am i supposed to come back?

hurt

"dramatic"....

is that really what you thought of me? when emotions are so integral to who i am as a person God made... this is what you think of me?

i feel betrayed as your disciple

wishing i was a freshman again

lol...

walked into EVK (dining hall). as a graduate student, ginormous brace, business clothes, roll-ey bag. and i felt so at home and yet, so out of place

for this was the dining hall where, as a freshman, i spent so much time with my roommate and a lot of the good friends i still have now.

as a sophomore, this was the dining hall that i mainly did my QTs in, speaking to God's voice and learning from him amidst food. a site where much of my stuggles were between God and learning to love him again after self-mangling my heart

as a junior/senior, EVK was where i went to search out freshmen to talk to about Jesus. or later, when we formed our bible study, it was the place where i spent many a happy meal with the underclassmen...

and now, as a graduate student, i come back to EVK and am suddenly overcome by the memories tied in to this place...
ah, those were the days!

O Lord, i suppose now... since i've got no one willing to eat there anymore with me... guess it's back to you and me...

but lack of company can't stop me from praying for freshmen...

revelation

As i was praying during praise (and prayer) night by myself on the floor at WHEC, i looked over and saw cho/jessL, praying together and my heart was overcome by jealousy.

I angrily prayed to God, "why haven't you allowed me such a sister that i can hold on to and help build up as well as support? why do you always keep me alone?"

and in my anger and fuming at the Lord he showed me...

that i don't let people get near me.

------------------------------------------------------
a long time ago, i had a best friend, a sister of my own heart to say. alright, so she was hindu and indian, but that didn't stop us from being the best of friends. i poured out in friendship and, well, mayhap abused our friendship in a way. but i didn't realize i was doing anything wrong, she never mentioned anything...

and one day, it ended. i found a letter threatening to kill me unless i switched schools.

instinctively, i knew it was her. later, she was nearly suspended for that action but the administration chose to take pity on her.

my heart broke and we never spoke again. i resolved never to let a friend hurt me like that ever again.
------------------------------------------------------

flash forward 8 years and the scars are still there. i forgave, and forgave, and asking for cleansing over and over. and even now, even knowing Jesus... i refuse to let people get close to me.

present but aloof. friendly but distant. lonely and yet complaining about loneliness.

but this has got to change.... alright Jesus, let's do this...

failure

even if i'm going to fail pharmacy school... (which may be certain considering the grades i'm getting)

he is STILL God... and worthy to be praised...






Holy Spirit grant me the strength to praise in my weakness

the worth of a soul (cost small change on my part)

well, my mother was looking at my busted knee. i was sitting there with this ginormous cast thingie around my leg post-ACL surgery, in pain because even going to the bathroom requires someone to help me.

and she asked me, "you went through all this pain... was VSET really worth all this effort (and money and pain)?"

and i thought about Monica in mongolia and how she cried from finally understanding the beauty of the Gospel. And Alicia, whose demenor changed 180 from accepting jesus, to all the other students in the class that i (with God's great and mightly grace), painfully strived to love

and i told her it was all worth it

(omg, super cheesy)...

Jesus, where are you?

my heart and eyes fail as i look for you in this desert land. my soul is weary.

what is this anger that permeates my very being? please take it from me. bring me back.

beause i cannot even repent unless you allow me to.

learning to love the earthly shepherds

who are these people that i live with, these girls i call my "sisters"? what connection do i have with them? and because the Lord asks me to love, do i do what he commands? yet in the face of this world, what have they to benefit me? am i not self sufficient? am i not merely a partner while we work to labor?

and in the end, Jesus tells me, "No." For i am to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than [myself]."

for in the truest aspect of my heart, i don't love my sisters to the depths of which they deserve to be love. i love in convenience, i love sparingly, and i like love when it doesn't require much moving.

we claim we love the sheep. i know i do. i love the lambs that GOD has given me and praise HIS name daily for them. but a challenge we were given in Bible study this past week was...

"Do we forget to love the fellow shepherds?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is MADE COMPLETE IN US." (1 John 4:13)

late night n' biochemistry

i can't believe he holds it all together. glycolysis just keeps going and going and going and...

promise!

given to me to hold on to for this semseter:

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.

2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

~Pslam 62:1-2

praises

in the darkness, in the sinfulness of what i believe to be the world and its pressures.

lights still shine.

thanx to the believers in USC pharm '13. seeing you guys minister and go to events encourages my faith...

under pressure

lol. stress is bad for the soul...

*sigh*... anxiety in the heart about (potential?) surgery....

more later when i find out actual results and the magnitude of the damage on monday...

God, where are you? i'm in the desert and pressed on every side

encouragement at 7am

But I will sing of your strenght,
IN THE MORNING I will sing of your love;
for YOU are my fortress;
MY REFUGE in times of trouble.

O MY STRENGTH, i sing praise to you;
you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God

~Psalm 59:16-17 (emphasis by author)
----------------------------------------------------

and i nearly burst out singing in the middle of my morning commute... lol

doors closing...

so many logistical things that are happening... must happen, need to happen, miscommunications...

forgive me for not being at peace.

what is my passion? to see people come to know jesus...
Master, Mission, Mate, (then school?)
or well, rather, because i'm single and not looking
Master, Mission, School... AND THEN mate

Lord God, why do i feel discontent with you? why can i not do that which you have given me the passion for? maybe it's because nothing comes out as i have planned it. and the lack of control frustrates and bewilders me.

trust God. trust people. trust His transformation in me.
let me not go back to my old ways (aka. before VSET)...

prayer please for a continual death to self and submission of my wants.

wise words

"... What do I really want? Was it to love what God commands, in the words of the collect, and to desire what He promises? Did I want what I wanted, or did I want what He wanted, no matter what it might cost?

Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship. The Cross, as it enters the love life, will reveal the heart's truth. My heart, I knew, would be forever a lonely hunter unless settled 'where true joys are to be found.' "

~Elizabeth Elliot (Passion and Purity)

moving on tonight

haha... i realized how pathetic i've been acting. ah, the "poor me" and self-pity cycle of before

i'm breaking out of it...

with the Lord as the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

not that i'm waiting for the burn to die, but that i wish for Him to replace that burning.

the song that brought me to tears...

fed up with the world

just tired after fighting the battle today at pharm school orientation.

too many voices, telling me to join this, to join that, MUST network, MUST party, freedom of graduate school, let go of undergraduate, move on, move on, forget people, this is your new crowd, YOUR NEW CROWD....

gah.

Lord God, it's difficult to push these voices back and hold on what is truth. all i know is that i wasn't bought with perishable things but with the blood of Christ. and he commands me to keep from gratifying the sinful nature

therefore, Lord, how am i to minister in this crowd of sinners when i myself am constantly in danger of falling in...

a brother yesterday told me wise words that "the holy man is not one who is sinless, but is one who is tempted a thousand times and yet, continues to say no."

i pray that God may grant me the grace to respond "no" continually to the flesh

passion/passion/passion (where has purity gone?)

when you're not mine to have, when God has not called me to you...

therefore, i will let you go

empty me...

O Lord God, my heart burns within my body for you. I pray to be emptied of everything i contain that contradicts your beloved word.

Why can i not be filled with you? I am desperate for you, Lord Jesus. fill my heart, fill my soul. help me to love you with every fiber of my being.

I surrender to your holy fire. may the intensity of my passion for you be matched only by my willingness to surrender all my idols to you.

identity crisis

when i was in China, i met a "super Buddhist" who asked me WHAT i was. i said easily: I am 1) a child of God, 2) God's beloved, and 3) God's servant.

yet now, i feel as if i've lost that resolve that caused me to proclaim so boldly what i thought was my identity.

why is it that Satan uses the people closest to our hearts to tear down our resolve? And why is that he has placed such a doubt within my mother's heart that, without comfort, with out the guarantee of a degree, that there is no future?

I despise being torn like this.

unease in the heart

*sigh* well, after 6 weeks of mayhem, i am now back in the states again. the early flight was because of a scheduling conflict between pharmacy school orientation and VSET. as a result, my parents called me back to school in order to prevent any possibility of losing my enrollment.

but then i found out today that the deadline was, as i suspected, orientation day (August 18th)...

yet the sovereignty of it all is undeniable. because previously, while on VSET, God allowed an event to occur that, even now, tests my resolve. I enjoy this moment of fleeing and yet, am torn to pieces because my flesh desires to be there to be satisfied.

My Lord God, how painfully obvious you orchestrate things to allow us to taste the worldly longing resting latent in our souls. And then, you jerk us back so that we may understand the magnitude of how sin is detestable to you....

God forbid my desire for him to stumble me.

through the storm and waves..

Mongolia is fine. It's peaceful here. we just went through the Nadaam festival where they do wrestling n' archery n' horseback racing. Yesterday, saturday, was awesome. we went to the mongolian countryside and rode mongolian horses. yes, they're smaller n' quite fast. they just told us to sit on a horse, gave us the reins, and then, well, let us control the horse. really scary and quite fun.

on other news, one of my students accepted Christ when i told her the Gospel. It was crazy good. God was working wonders through her n' i'll follow up on monday. i also found out two other of my students have accepted Christ and i'm now working towards equipping/discipling them.

God has been teaching me a lot about humility lately. I'm starting to see how sinful I am and how much I pretend to be alright before other people. What's most challenging is that my time is not my own. That is, sleep time is guarded, time with students is guarded, etc. I rarely have time for myself and to do my own things. It's been difficult submitting under leadership and doing what is asked of me when i don't agree.

But all in all, I'm still learning to grow. And the fact that i'm being challenged and disciplined is a testament of God's grace and goodness in working. I pray that, though this is a tough time n' pharmacy school has been giving me many problems about starting, I know God will work things out for good in the end because he promises in Jer 29:11. So long as I am in the center of God's will, I have nothing to worry about.

If you guys are reading this, please pray for God to work his will. That though the storm and waves are coming up at home (pharmacy school wants me to do a lot of things, deadlines are being pushed earlier, and a lot of minor decisions), that I trust that God means good to me. I believe he has called me here, just has he has called me to go to pharmacy school. May I not waver in unbelief but continue to whole heartedly do the work that God has called me to do.

Mongolia hairtai! -(i love mongolia)-UPDATE #2

In mongolia, things have been very interesting. Our class of students is now at 26. Many of them have heard the Gospel but very few understand what it means to follow Christ. So far, we have been spending much time with the students and loving them with Jesus's love.

Some girls have already expressed interest in joining a Bible study that we will start next week. It's very exciting and totally by God's grace.

In addition, some other fun news is that I partially dislocated my knee. I'm fine but when I was playing basketball with the students, I tripped and fell. My knee is back in its socket but still swollen for the last 3 days. I can walk and am absolutely fine. The students help me a lot. lol.

With the injury, I think I experienced a lot of learning how to rely on others. For the first day, people had to help me walk down stairs (our classroom is up two flights, down one, across a long hallway, and then down a couple more stairs). God has taught me a lot about learning how to be weak before him (both physically and emotionally). Especially today, I broke down crying because I was so tired of trying to do things on my own. Yet God is so good and he continues to forgive my mishaps and pour grace over and over.

We are desperately praying for chances to share Christ's love. I hope to do it in a gentle but also deliberate way. There is so much of a need for Jesus here in Mongolia. So please pray for opportunities for us to be able to share about Jesus as well as for health.

now that we're here

i can't believe it. I'm in mongolia. and traveled through much of china in 2 days.

God is crazy crazy (i've been saying this a lot) in the way that he works. I am so blessed to be here.

even after 4 hours here. i love mongolia. the land is beautiful. the culture is deep. and the people... the people have such a need of Christ. There is no question towards why i am here in mongolia.

God has been crazy good in keeping us safe through the 14 hour plane ride, the 12 hour bus ride, and the 14 hour train ride. it was unconventional but worth it.

i wouldn't trade that team bonding time for anything.

at the same time, God gave me time to prep my heart for this trip. i think i'm ready to pour out in love. but irregardless.... some prayer reqs...

1) to keep my heart focused on the mission.
MASTER. MISSION. MATE. right? i follow Christ and then, my focus is on the mission (i.e. to spread the gospel to the college students that we will be teaching english to). pray for undistracted time. especially as we women will be working closely with brothers. (you past VSET-ers know what i mean, right?). so prayer for a whole heart devoted to portraying the love of Christ.

2) continued prayer for Mongolia.
this is a country of secularism and political corruption. prayer to go out for the young people who grow up secular. that hearts will be soft and type 4 to recieve the gospel.

3) unity in the team
team is... interesting. so far, fabian, lorraine, jason, irene, conrad, brandon, albert, n' i have been getting a long. but it feels...a bit superficial. prayer that we will go deeper in our faith and deeper in understanding the unity that Christ calls us to as a body.

much thanks, all!

God bless :D

anticipation

MONGOLIA(and CHINA) OR BUST...

i can't wait. here goes to VSET '09.

God is crazy crazy in the ways he works. i have all of 2 minutes before i have to run off, pack and get ready for sendoff....

this is crazy, i can't believe i'm doing this now...

but God is so good through it all. STP, VSET training... all of it was heartbreak and preparation for the new identity that he continues to forge within me.

And that identity is Christ.

so i ask you all (who follow this... rofl) to pray for us as we're leaving and prepare our hearts.

prayer for:
1) our team. led by Conrad n' Irene. Prayer that our leaders will be kept strong through it all. no discouragement(i.e. protection from the enemy) but boldness in challenging us to grow more

2) the munchkins that we have yet to meet. may their hearts be ready to accept the planting/watering of the Gospel message. that good news will really be good news to both them and us

3) finally, for me personally. that I may never hinder God's work and that my trust and hope relies in him (Ps. 42:11). NO DOWNCAST SOUL...

STP (ending)

good grief. i can't believe it's over... and i distrust my heart all the more...

but it was a good time... still praying about some stuff. God asked me to consider a possibility...



staffing next year? (please pray)

STP (day 1)

i love UCLA's campus. and its people...

God's still reworking my concepts of others, especially when i EV. i sense a moment coming up where he's going to challenge me again with trusting him above all else. but even now, in my "heading towards broken" state, he's able to use me. humbled and awed at his graciousness.


.....


loving also that the other girls at STP are also really real. like, some of us have admitted to pretty shady pasts.

and that totally comforts me because i'm not alone. i'm gonna have an awesome time.

jealousy in check

when i see you touch her, smile at her, my heart burns. because i know she has her eyes set on you.

in that moment where there is the two of you, i do not matter. the world does not matter. for you only have eyes for each other before God. is this a union set by Him? i do not know. i cannot hope to pray for it to be or not to be.

for if it is, my heart shall be broken. and if it is not, then theirs shall be broken.

so who has the Lord prepared for me? is it you? is it him? or is it someone i have not met yet.

i will not hope in man; for man is fallible whereas God is infallible. Christ, my beloved, passion and purity toe a thin line between sanctioned and sin.

My Lord, how am i to fathom your jealousy for my heart? and in the same, how do i fathom your patience in love to wait for me to reciprocate?

Lessons

10 Things I Learned while being with my Parents + Bro:

1) There is grace in a community of grace. any sin, from pride to sexual lust, has no place being there. but when exposed, it is punished accordingly and then covered with love and forgiveness.

2) as mature as i think i am, i still have so far to go.

3) i am loved for who i am by more than just God.

4) i can't cover all the bases even though i try. if anything, God's been covering all the bases that i worry about (health, wealth, emotional stability)

5) my parents are proud to have a daughter who wishes to go to missions for her summer instead of going home.

6) being an adult (parents definition: 21+ years, college grad) is so much harder emotionally than i thought it was.

7) seeing my spiritual growth has spurred my parents to continue their own growth. in this way, God is working in our family. i don't think we've prayed as a family on a vacation, like, EVER.

8) my parents haven't been the best spiritual leaders, but they're trying.

9) i can now die happy as an (amateur) artist now that i have not only seen 10 real monet paintings, but also Vermeer closet paintings, the ear-less van gogh portrait n' a da Vinci piece...

10) my dad still remembers a lot about civil engineering than i give him credit for (..."the ceiling of this subway tunnel has no pillars but its curved shape creates tension at a point to distribute the total pressure from the ground above"... etc etc)

weariness

looking for rest in the only place possible...

when the world crashes down.... you watch the Nuggets on ESPN (zomg Anthony is a BEAST)...

j/k....

heh. small afterthought after a long day spent at the Smithsonian air/space museum.

thank goodness we've got Jesus....

learning to trust

what does one do when your own flesh and blood seeks to fall into sin the way you did?

and how do i continue to trust in the Lord who allows these pitfalls to come into our lives so that though we lose parts of our hearts, our souls experience richness of grace?

oh my Lord Savior, my heart breaks to see this sin continue to flow through our family.

on beauty (II)

you know Gomer? yeah, the wayward wife, that one... the one that runs off to find her lovers even though she's redeemed by God/Hosea.

what i'm figuring out is... i think i know WHY gomer runs off to be with her lovers.
most of us just credit her adultery to being something in the form of physical lust.
like, she feels sexually unsatisfied with her husband and seeks something more fulfilling...but i think that's just the manifested fruit of a deep root.

you see, i believe the reason why she kept running off is because she didn't believe she was beautiful. as in, she didn't believe she was beautiful in Hosea/God's eyes alone. her heart had to believe that such beauty was not because men desired her, but because she was desired by someone holy

......
.....
....
...
..
.

i'm starting to realize how much i respond to the imagery of the unfaithful wife because, like her, my own sense of beauty is flawed.

while standing at the mirror today, i acknowledged God's view of me being beautiful (regardless of size, pimplage, fat content, PMS-ness, etc). and in that moment, i felt, ever so slightly, a small tip of the iceberg of God's love.

i'm valuable and beautiful because HE LOVES ME. PERIOD. that's it...

scary to realize and makes absolutely no sense logically...

Wait on the Lord

why not? one last post at 2:30am... lol. idk, it sucks being up so late, but this is kind of interesting, the four of us, at the apartment, up studying...

on Shangdi

Was writing a paper on Chinese religion for one of my GEs today. basically looking over Shangdi's role in centuries and centuries of Chinese religion - especially Shang oracle bones and the big three religions of Confucianism, Daoism, and Buddhism.

but what's struck me all is that in the beginning, the Shang had it right. Shangdi was a god meant to be feared and revered, he was a god whose approval needed to be asked.

Yet as Chinese history goes on, vain philosophy and Buddhism takes over. Di's worship diminishes until it became something perverted as selfish local worship for protection/favors. Basically, Di was reduced to a vending machine.
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my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.
"Because you have rejected knowledge,
I also reject you as my priests;
because you have ignored the law of your God,
I will also ignore your children.
~Hosea 4:6
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Israel did that, didn't they? traded their worship to the perfect God for an imitation and chanting of foreign gods. Amitofu amitofu etc. The names are different, but adultery is adultery...

Thank goodness our God is forgiving and in the business of redemption.
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Assyria cannot save us;
we will not mount war-horses.
We will never gain say 'Our gods'
to what our own two hands have made,
for in you the fatherless find compassion

"I will heal their waywardness
and love them freely,
for my anger has turned away from them."
~Hosea 14:3-4

procrastination

bittersweet.

the year's ending. senior ICAers are going to leave (pretty much forever), my friends that i've been with these last 3 years are all going our separate ways. the freshmen are going to be sophisticated morons (according to Min), and i'm going to another campus...

it's like a chapter of my life is closing. but then another is opening. yet no matter what, i can't go back to those times i had in undergrad.

but what struck me today is the feeling that i love USC. mostly because it is a place where i found God and had fellowship with him.

even though my friends are all leaving, even if i'm the only one left (which i'm not), i can rest assured that God has never changed in all this. he has never left me nor forsaken me.

and that makes it all worth it...

finals time again (artist appreciation!)

I like this...

what i mean is, the emphasis that it has. that's what i feel my mind's like, that all these "christian" things are crowding me out n' even when i'm following Him, that there's so much to do and so much to accomplish and the rush to turn things in and trouble and my sins and i know this and that and the other thing about following God and and...

well, i just forget what my focus is in all of this.

and it should simply be "JESUS."

(artwork "Jesus" by abandoned25 on deviantart.com)

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Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her...
In that day, declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master'"

~Hosea 2:14,16

in wake of a stye in the rose garden

as i was going through one of my journals from the beginning of this year, i came across this sappy thing:

How sweet my Lord's call is
as it comes in quiet whisper
through rose tinted wind I hear his voice
and in meekness do i find comfort

For love fills my heart
follow sorrow and conviction
surrender, return
and true freedom from hunger

as eyes swollen shut
now see in all colors
seen beauty fills with awe
and makes the soul warmer.

trading beauty for ashes

"to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor"
~Isiah 61:3

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my ashes have been transformed to beauty
just as my mourning to be the oil of gladness
and my spirit of despair to be transformed to a garment of praise

i AM an oak of righteousness.... that feels like a small ugly seeding...

but i think, until i realize these truths and believe in faith... i can not progress in learning His love...

haha... this came up on Yahoo's LAUNCHcast when i was typing out this entry... just enjoyed the late 80s vibe that this song has...

picky about worship?

just came back from the Hillsong concert that was at the L.A. Nokia theatre. honestly, i'm ambivalent about it...

methinks there was too much actions towards God, God done for me...

not enough of pure God worship of his character

of building housing...

"First, fa-th is like a foundation. We build our relationship with G-d and our trust in J-sus on it. Without it, we wouldn’t even be able to see G-d....

Second, gr-ce is like materials, in a spir-tual sense. [It's] not just money, good grades,... but also the deliverance from trouble, the mending of broken hearts, the ability to hear his words, and more. Without G-d’s gr-ce, our lives wouldn’t be much.

Third, pr-yer is like a building. (Oh man, I hope this analogy works out; I only thought of it 3 paragraphs ago.)[sic] Pr-yer is a way to grow closer to G-d – the more you talk to people, the more you get to know them.

Faith is super important. Without faith, my time in KG is meaningless. ... G-d can give me all I want, J-sus can reveal himself to me in person, and I can experience all these crazy spiritual things, but without faith I couldn’t recognize"

~Tim L. (update sent 4/13/09)

hiding pain underneath a smile

To know of loss is to know of love.
yet what we do with this loss,
determines the depth of love that we'll continue to experience.

i cry and berate Him for taking away
what was not mine to begin with?

it's this loss that encroaches at my heart
and i have difficulty learning of what to do with it

glory glory glory

Peace I leave with you, my peace i give you. I do not give to you as the world gves. Do not let yor hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
~John 14:27

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I don't think i realize how much comfort i need to receive until i'm at my breaking point. But then, his love abounds all the more and is made perfect in weakness. As in the verse above, i'm not only given peace at salvation. but i must continually receive it. and then no troubled feelings and no fear.

yet this message of awesome comfort is saddening to my heart as well...

when i was at Cal for ETP, Jo n' I talked to this one woman who believed religion was brainwashing (put in nicer terms). But then she mentioned how she felt responsible for causing her brother's cancer because she belittled him for many years of their childhood.

even as i told her that that wasn't her shame or burden to carry, i could tell that the lies were too strong and that nothing i physically could do or say would change her deep shame.

O my Lord, i realized a glimpse of what your heart is for the lost at that point. But God is gracious, and soveriegn, and doesn't willingly bring affliction or grief (Lam. 3:33).

Faye, i'm still praying for you and hope you find your freedom one day.

sense and sensibility

sometimes i feel as if the hardest command i receive from God is "wait for MY glory"

The body of Christ... like a Cobb salad

From far away, one part is no different from another. Together they form a unified dish. But look close and one sees the olives, lettuce, egg, avocados... and far too many ingredients to count.

All is blanketed by the same white sauce and fragrance. Perhaps, then, the fragrance of Christ and overflowingly covered by goodness known as grace?

The church body should be delicious to the taste; palatable and smooth. Gentle in taste yet firm in texture. Loving in its conduct yet firm in faith.

One does not see bacon revolting and saying, "I wish not to be a part of this, I don't want to associate myself with the rest of the salad!"

For how can we be complete when pieces are missing from the finished product?

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Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a part of it.

~1 Corinthians 12:25

for lack of...

what is legalism but a cry to experience grace?
and is the unyielding heart a longing for



humility?


and that in which lies of itself
cannot furthermore be expounded upon
for one controls the other
and other dependent thereon

so we with circled logic think
and poke and prod the Word
to search its nooks and crannies when
grace o'er overlooms

hope in humility

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entanges, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

~Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)
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you know, i started this off as a complaint, but after rereading the QT passage from a couple days ago and listening to "People get Ready... Jesus is Coming" cover by Avalon, I'm encouraged overall to run with perseverance.

"People get ready! Jesus is Coming! soon we'll be going home!"

so tired. depressing meet-ups. Ah, my God. i praise you that you redeem it all for your glory and i am merely a steward entrusted with your things.

so i pray, as i have been, sadly, with many tears and lamentations about how i desire true fulfillment from living water, i pray that you rain down your flood. overflow and wash away all that is Annie.




and i long for the day I can see our Lord! so people, GET READY. our Lord Jesus Christ is coming and soon, we'll be FREE from this world!

uncertainty

yay for february.

but bummer that today was so wasted. as in, my devotion to the Lord at that new room in SGM was so affected because of the new location.

and so when Min was speaking of attachment to White Harvest or Navigators rather than to God, it put my pride to shame. yet it was weird that i still didn't get anything from the sermon (YET).

ah well, at least the sermon blessed others. maybe there are things that still need lifting up to God.

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but i fear during our small group, i was harsher than need be.

well, someone shared about how she didn't feel close to God and had basically fallen away since 1 1/2 years. our leader, Jo, then said that no matter what we'll do, God will be there, he'll hold onto us even though we let go of Him and run away.

and for some reason... i added to that and pulled out my trusty "fact, faith, feeling" train that i ALWAYS rely on to illustrate the point of basing our faith on fact from the Word and not merely on fleshly feeling.

And then, for some reason, probably because God has been speaking to me on this as well, is that, when we sin, and we fall away for extended periods of time, there are consequences. consequences such that we do not experience grace as richly, we are given less of a circumstance to bless the body of Christ, and have them bless us back... and other more serious consequences and punishments (see Hebrews 10)

all these warnings and punishments. i don't know if these words came from my legalistic spirit or was it honesty and bluntness spoken out of truth.

i do hope it was the latter

and i pray that my words will not drive her farther from our beloved Lord.

a more modern psalm

O my Lord, what is this feeling in my heart? this ache that longs to feel his hands, his skin, his lips on mine... all previously forsaken things.

how deep is this sin, that overwhelms my mind and makes my broken soul long for fulfillment?

and what cost, dear Lord, would it take for me to be free from this? i know my tears, my blood, my futile sacrifices are of no value to you so long as it is my heart that i keep from your sacrifical fire.

O save me, my God, for i am too weak to seek freedom from these chains. for only you hold the key to the lock that binds them to me.

but i remember your goodness and your kindness. your love and truth. the girls you have sent and your people that i am called serve.

Praise be to the Lord my God for I am not yet consumed because of his great mercy. your promises are new every morning! great is your faithfulness!

and i realize that these chains, burdensome and painful, are given by you to burn through the dross of character.

seek me and know my heart. teach me ways in which i can give more and more to you.
keep your servant from secret faults and lead me, my Lord, in ways everlasting.

dependence on faith

its odd,
that the moment my reliance deviates from Him,
when i think i can finally
stand up on my two feet
and fly
through my life, through the world, through ministry
with no help from God

that all these fragile pieces come crashing down again
and its odd
that like all those previous times
i never learn

i recently wrote in a dedication:
"I trust he will continue to lead you
as you fall more and more in love with Him"
yet what do these words mean?
do i believe in them?
after two years of running after my God,
am i stumped by the phrase
"fall more and more in love with Him" ?

i understand leading
i think understand following too
(implied response from receiving human)
but what is it like to love without being an automatron
*beep* *whirrrrrr*
"today's... QT.....
MUST.... LOVE...
CHRIST....
(holds up two fingers) LITTLE BIT......"

still learning this
still learning to rely

and i figured,
one is never too old
grown mature rooted
whatever you may call it
to not need faith....


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Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

and without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

~Hebrews 11:1,6

beauty!

heh. so ends my three day hiatus to seek the Lord my God with my heart, soul, and mind.

as i was walking towards the library from lab, the rain was pelting down on my umbrella. now normally, i hate the rain in LA. but today, i happened to glance up and see alumni park sky filled with falling leaves.

my Lord, your colors, even in the dark and depressing rain, are gorgeous.
(i wish i took a picture to share with you all)

praises

over winter conference, someone came to christ. PRAISE THE LORD. angels are singing for that one lost sheep has returned and repented. i pray protection from the devil and that she may grow to become an oak of righteousness for our God.

but on another note. it's become apparent that this blog, though it started innocent enough, has become an idol in my life. the deepest part of my soul is being fulfilled with fantasies of another. O Lord of my heart, how deceitful i am!

let me separate myself. and seek the God who loves me with this broken heart. and leave him to the one he's called to.

to You alone, i surrender it all.

in preparation before conference

PRAISE GOD... the banner is finished

but i don't feel ready for conference. (i think i need to spend tomorrow prepping my heart?)

it feels lost. like i've just become... lukewarm. my faith amounts to little, my practice of his commands are strong in front of others,... weak when alone.
i think too often my actions or my words are meant to benefit myself. pride and selfishness... to make me look good or "feel better" by being "holier than thou"

performance performance.

My Lord, my God,
i want to be hot on fire for you. i wish for passion. and after hearing my brother Daniel's sharing of his time in China,... i want passion to spread your word so that you may be glorified. so that i may serve you and serve your people.

...

last day on the island

with barbed words you struck
and pierced our hearts
needles of "not your child"

tears that coursed
and overflowed
not one but all four faces

and there i stood, awestruck
dumbstruck
to watch my parents cry

and reassure love upon love
and promises forever
saying "love, my child"
and "always will be"

to see humility in deep love
makes me wonder still
how deep it is our savior's love
whose wounds have bleed for freedom

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it feels odd to sit here and type these things out. all i know is that PTL that things managed to work out this winter break.

but tonight, it feels as if we have nearly avoided a family disaster.

my 11 year old angsty brother threw a fit today as we were in the parking lot of the airport. i think it was about being able to play his nintendo DS for an unreasonable amount of hours. thing is, he was so inflamed that eventually, after a lot of mental prods and a couple words of discipline, he decided to run away then and there.

my parents chased after him and kept holding onto his arms and legs so that he wouldn't run. and all the time, he was crying and yelling things that broke our hearts. things to the effect of "you don't love me, you've never loved me, you don't want me, i don't want to be your child" over and over.

eventually, i got everyone, all four of us in tears, into the car to lay down our hurts and talk it over. my parents were tremendously gracious and in humility continued to reassure us of their love over and over.

it's crazy how God works and continues to work. i only praise him that though tonight could have ended up a disaster.

goodbye, my island.
LA awaits.

airing out dirty laundry

annoyance.
with myself, with my parents, with my pride, with my brother, with my self image, with my relationship with God...

i want to tear my hair out because there's all this pent up pride.

i think deep down, what i really am is jealous and covetous. covetous of what other people have-- money, fame, physical beauty, material things. and it all started with the simple question, "how come i don't have these things?"

dangerous question. dangerous thoughts.
and we all know where the path leads down...

sometimes i'm so frustrated with what i want want want...

but godliness with contentment is of great gain.

i want to seek contentment, the contentment that comes from heavenward. to be fine with the way things are and secure that He's got it under control. i mean, seriously, his word's more precious that gold and sweeter than honey... best thing to have right?

all that's left is to develop the faith that lives each day believing this truth.

new covenant

found this today when i was doing QTs... good stuff


"This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel
after that time, declares the Lord.
I will put my laws in their minds
and write them on their hearts.
I will be their God,
and they will be my people.
No longer will a man teach his neighbor,
or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,'
because they will all know me,
from the least of them to the greatest.
For I will forgive their wickedness
and will remember their sins no more."

~taken from Hebrews 8:10-12 (originally quoted in Jer 31:33-34)

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i draw your attention to the first line. "i will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts."

and so, as horrifyingly sinful as i think my brother is (i know, plank in the eye). but since he's accepted Christ, and God promises to write his law in our minds and hearts... in addition, he's God's child first and foremost. and my brother secondly....

*sigh* it's hard to let go and let Him take control, especially when it concerns my younger sibling... but if i trust Him to grow me in maturity... i think i should trust him with growing my brother as well? (i think i'm afraid of my bro stumbling in the ways as i did... "generational sin" and whatnot)...

SWEETLY BROKEN, WHOLLY SURRENDERED...
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"At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered"

-Jeremy Riddle, "Sweetly Broken"