holiday greetings

Lover, pray tell
how oft you think of me?
is it high or deep or long?
or wide as west to east?

so jealous, my love?
when i run off and place my favors forward
to take pleasure in beauty and lust galore
why drag me back and then toward

you, dear lover, why into this desert?
and take all that i hold dear
till i have none but you as before
and naked have become desperate

...

(REPRISE... in meekest voice)
did your affection warrant sacrifice?
as love of deepest cost
for here i stand amazed and awed
before the mighty cross
..................................................................


LOL. i have just realized how mushy and sappy i get when i'm typing posts out in the middle of the night. i mean, even now, it's 1am and i can feel the urge to be cheesy.

let's see. christmas went well. had time to hang out wi my brother (he asked me really hard questions like "do you believe in evolution" n' stuff... yeesh.) dinner was family time. and it was... a very good christmas. considering what has happened in the past, PTL for the good times.

at the same time. it's been difficult to focus on loving the Lord lately. my mind seems so absorbed in believing i need a significant other. listening to certain secular christmas carols don't help either. christmas is a horrid time to be single... or so the world says. but let me be jealous for God's love. the couple stanzas above was written after a meditation on Hosea 2...


ah well... merry christmas all. i apologize for a heavy post. haha.

character and name

Emmanuel -->(עִמָּנוּאֵל)"God [is] with us"

Inspiration for meditation: Avalon's "El-Shaddai"

God is with us. this seems easy enough to understand
He's with me. all of us. individually.
not just sometimes. not just on sundays.
not even just in the mornings during QTs.
always.

FOREVER.

and so...
God is with me when i pray to him for strength to keep working
with me when my heels hurt while standing for hours
with me when i say thank you to the customers
with me when i pray for them/their children while bagging their purchases
with me when i'm having difficulty keeping patient
with me when i'm yelling at my brother for annoying me.

but what i think is glorious. is that he's not just with me. but feels what i go through. the pain, the joy, the annoyances... and disciplines me through it. and he's with everyone i interact with as well. he's with them as they go through their day.

He came to be with us in human flesh. then leaving, he gave us himself in a spirit form so that never again would we be alone. but from that point on, we were considered part of a holy nation and priesthood...

Emmanuel.
God with us.

Forever.

Always.

--------------------------------------------------------

19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
20 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
23 I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.'
I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people';
and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

~Hosea 2:19-20;23

beauty divine!

(the following conversation takes place on a small island in the pacific aka. Guam and do look up our flag... :D )

and so, because of our glorious economic recession, christmas business at the store has been well... in a recession. so i've had a lot of time to spend shopping, sleeping, and running.

so today, while galavanting on the beach during sunset while swerving to avoid beautiful beach babes and other fellow sand creatures... and listening to Hillsong's "Desert Song"...

i thought it mightly appropriate to think on the gloriousness of the creation before me and thank Him for his handiwork (and also the warmth. LA is freezing :( )

and so ill leave with a couple verses :D.

2 I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
3 Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save.
4 When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.
5 Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God,
6 the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them—
the LORD, who remains faithful forever.

~PSALM 146

prequel to the holidays (a post on thankfulness)

Yay for sophomores and much thanks to them for an awesome semester of serving and sister-bonding. APT #11 ellendale + yulee as hosts.


yes, that is me, down there, the shapless blue mass beneath moosie (aka e. deng)





Verse for the night--------->
God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure.
~Heb 6:10-11


OH, WHY NOT... one more picture... AREN'T THESE FEET PRETTY? (haha, big guess to whose they belong to).

How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!" (Isiah 52:7)

on firm foundations and bedrock...

Because GOD wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of which was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that... we who have fled to take hold of the hope... may be greatly encouraged.
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain...
~Hebrews 17-19

------------------------------------------------------------
so here, the writer of hebrews is encouraging in his words and assures two things:
1)God's promises will come true. (i.e. given what we are "promised")
2)God's promises are to be our hope and foundation (see vs. 19)

at the same (God-sovereign-i-cannot-believe-this-is-coincidence) time, i was doing some reading for my earthquake class and learned how the intensity of shaking of an earthquake is far less when a structure is on bedrock rather than loose sediments.(common sense, i know)

And so i got a-thinking of the differences in the rock structure. Bedrock is one big chunka rock while sediments are made up of different little parts.

so that is, if we stand on God's word, as the ONLY thing on which we base things on in our lives, because He's eternal, we won't be shaken (see various psalms).

or, if you're prone to be such as yours truly, you collect a myriad of small accomplishments to stand on and glorify yourself. when shaking comes, not only are you shaken harder, but physical equilibrium laws dictate that at the end, you'll either be:
A) swallowed up by the soil and start sinking (aka. liquifaction)
B) leveled even. your mound will be well... flat
C) everything you've built on top of that horrific foundation will be destroyed

fun propositions...

but it doesn't have to be this way. God is like an awesomely build wooden (i'm serious, these are the safest) house n' infallable earthquake insurance.

(more thoughts on this later... off to the gym!)

double double toil and trouble

twas Your heart that longed for me
and mine which then belonged to thee
yet still still draws near to pyrite

...
so pray tell, how do i belong to the Lord?
to worship Him alone, above all else?
nevermind, i know the answer.
was learning a bit about maturity a while ago...
going to turn back to Hebrews some day
and i must mull over its words
and gleam from it gems that last an eternity in heaven...

to learn of my Lord in heaven. and discover the wonders of his Majesty
i only pray this feeble human mind
remembers to meditate and thereby brand those words
sear them into my thoughts
-----------------------------------------------------------
i will praise the Lord who counsels me
even at night, my heart instructs me
i have set the Lord always before me
because he is at my right hand
i WILL NOT be shaken

Ps. 16:7-8

blogger REDEMPTION...

Anniebaby is on blogger! well, more like "annie has enjoyed being the 'pharm-er' so much she refuses to waste brain cells n' think up a new name." the two previous entries were for class... boredom and bad grammer to all who venture to read it

therefore,...

i hereby christen this blog... for His purpose and His word to proclaim my testimony of his goodness...

(not to mention i've been meaning to create a blog for a while). yayerz...!

When Theft Becomes Necessary

Within the essay “Education of a Knife,” Atul Gawande presents the resident’s dilemma as a “conflict between the imperative to give patients the best possible care and the need to provide novices with experience” (Gawande 2002 p. 23). Primarily, Gawande suggests that there is no way for resident surgeons to learn without the deception of patients. As he states, “learning must be stolen“ (32). Patients would be unwilling to allow a resident to treat them because of fear of mishandling. Therefore, residents must don a facade of competency and knowledge in order to deceive their patients. It is only in this way that the residents may receive hands on experience in treating cases. Through “Education of a Knife,” Atul Gawande presents his position as one that supports the need for this clandestine deception of residents in order to preserve the learning of future surgeons. Like Gawande my experiences in pharmaceuticals have also been “stolen” through the deception of patients.

Gawande views the apply named “physician’s dodge” as a necessary lie (30). That is, one cannot learn techniques of medicine without deceiving one’s patients in one way or another about one‘s skill and expertise. He states that “learning is hidden, behind drapes and anesthesia and the elisions of language,” for “who in their right mind would agree to be practiced upon?“ (30). In this, he is stating that novice doctors must perform on live patients in order to learn, yet virtually no patient would be willing to be practiced upon, given the knowledge. Therefore implying that surgical residents must keep their patients ignorant. He continues to state that there seems to be no way around this moral failure. As patients, we wish for “expertise and progress” yet residents must learn in order to achieve that expertise (28). He continues to state that “it’s all stark confirmation that you can’t train novices without compromising patient care” (30). Although disliking the deception that he must take, Gawande understands that there is no way around this. For “everyone is harmed if no one is trained for the future” (24). Gawande is therefore supporting the lesser of two evils. The unspoken but implied mishaps do occur among the novice surgeons. Nevertheless, in the end, the training of these individuals has a greater societal benefit.

Similarly, I agree with Gawande’s ambivalence over this topic because I too have experienced this ethical dilemma of having to deceive patients in order to learn. During the summer after my freshman year of college, I interned at a privately owned retail pharmacy. According to state regulations, only registered pharmacists and pharmacy technicians are allowed to physically handle drugs. As a college student, I was neither. Regardless, the pharmacy and I both assumed the deception that I was a registered pharmacy technician. While one may learn and memorize the names and functions of pills, physical handling of such drugs provides a more experimental knowledge that engrains the image, feel, and purpose of each pill upon the human mind. At the time, such a façade was necessary for my learning, though not ethical. There was no other way that I could have had this experience. If I had portrayed myself truthfully, no patient would have agreed to let me handle their prescription drugs for fear of mishandling.

Just as Gawande experienced failure during his education, I too experienced failure by mishap. One day, I accidentally switched the labels of a patient’s ibuprofen and metformin pills. Both are large white oblong pills that can be easily mistaken for each other. Ibuprofen is normally a common over the counter painkiller, taken when discomfort occurs. The clinical ibuprofen prescribed was about 150% stronger than the OTC version. Metformin, on the other hand, is a popular diabetes drug that must be taken three times a day, usually at every meal. After about two days, the patient returned complaining of constant fatigue and drowsiness from the regular ibuprofen intake. The registered pharmacist took one look, corrected the problem, and then proceeded to soothe the irritated patient’s feelings. Needless to say, I did receive a lecture for that incident but no other punishment. This both relieved and frightened me, because once again my integrity was compromised for the sake of the pharmacy’s appearance. The pharmacy could have been held accountable because of my inexperience. False self confidence makes for a gambling chance that will eventually result in a loss. Like Gawande, failure helped me realize my own iniquity. Nonetheless, the intellectual payoff is high. Just as Gawande, after seven years of his residency, always remembers his failed first central lines, my first failure in pharmaceutical sciences remains with me as a lesson that I will not soon forget .

Through necessity of learning, the morals and honesty of surgeons are compromised in order to preserve learning. Surgical residents believe, as Gawande states, in “practice, not talent” (19). Yet the chances of mistakes occurring by an individual that has only recently embarked on the learning curve are high. Nonetheless, to disclose the incompetence of these individuals to patients would result in a decrease of cases of which to practice upon. As Gawande points out, this situation is even more dangerous because “everyone is harmed if no one is trained for the future” (24).

on injury and impact

Perhaps the most traumatizing experience I have ever suffered was a sprained ankle. Seriously. Alright, perhaps “traumatizing“ is too strong an adjective to use, but it was one of the experiences in my life where I have truly felt my body’s limitations. While a junior in high school, I was a highly competitive volleyball player. Our team was one that had won scores of championships in the past: a team with a legacy. It was expected that we would have a shot at the championship that year. With that goal in sight, my summer before the season was one in which I trained to transform myself into a “lean, mean volleyball machine” True to my efforts, I soon won a spot on the starting team as a middle blocker. There was naught in the world that could deter me from my goal and dream of seeing us at the final game, coming together for a tearful embrace; the championship trophy gleaming in our midst as scores of fans cheer us on.

Yet soon I would find myself with a sprained ankle received from tripping over one of my teammates during the opening tournament. At first, I saw such an injury as being a “battle wound” and a source of pride. My peers all sent their condolences and listened with wide eyes to the tragic story. However, the novelty of this idea faded gradually as I realized how intensely painful it was to maneuver through a crowded hallway with crutches. Baths and showers became a battle of their own as little pressure was able to be put on my foot. I soon felt like a one legged pirate, hobbling my way through the hallway; my “dead foot” dragging on the floor.

At the same time, the physical discomfort was no match for the emotional cost. For an athlete, a heavily sprained ankle at the beginning of a two month season means nearly an entire season benched. I saw the loss of things I held dear at the time: my position on the team, others’ admiration of my skills, and even the muscular density that I had so faithfully built up during the off-season. Looking back, I realize that I had placed such an importance on shallow things that did nothing for my admission to college nor for any vocational path. At the time, taking away my ability to be an athlete was tantamount to breaking my spirit. Yet like a phoenix rises from the ashes, during that period of inactivity, I filled my time with intellectual pursuit and discovered a great love for the health sciences that was crucial towards spurring me to volunteer at a hospital. That volunteer experience soon became one that cemented my decision to pursue a career in pharmacy.

In the end, some good did come out of an unfortunate situation. My focus is now turned towards goals that, I believe, are a bit more socially beneficial. Though I still play volleyball, it cannot hold its previous position as an idol in my life. I would like to say that I’ve matured through this process and such aspirations for personal glory would never come again. Nonetheless, there are moments where I still long for that personal recognition. Except perhaps this time, I would like it to be admiration and gratitude from a patient that has been well served. The cheering crowds and trophy can be happy to exist in my imagination.