blessed sacrifice

Lord, hear the cries of your children in India.
be quick to deliver, Savior!

mom's email

Annie ,calm down,don:t cry.and be brave. Mom



---------------------
*sigh* seeing this makes me want to go home.

will i still praise your name?

if i must wait for a long time before having spiritual children again.
will i hold a grudge against my God?

if i never receive the man i wish for
will i still praise you name as much as i do in the good times?

if Your call is to go somewhere i don't want to go
will i follow hard irregardless of judgment and the consequences?

... must pray must pray must pray

slow burn and waiting

smack in the face.. haha

just found out two of my childhood friends were pregnant/have gotten married and have given birth.

Dear Lord, i am 22, single, no children, in a horrid doctoral program where i am aging at 4x the speed i normally would...

what am i doing with my life?!!?!?!?!

......................................................................
lol...

and i then i realize how far He's brought me.
i've been overseas twice.
i've seen a glimpse of God's awesome love for the nations
i've been blessed to be a part of it
i've been broken over and over and remade by the Maker's hands

i'm where i'm supposed to be right now after 4 years.

security. in Jesus, in his divine plan, in His love.
it's all i want, it's all i need.
if His love is better than life...
it's definitely better than being a mother
it's better than being married
therefore, my lips will glorify the King

coming back to the heart of worship.
i don't want to think myself childish or immature

...merely enjoying life. <3

(something i was also thinking about, and my prayer for all of the traveling ministry time in china --> that i want to continue being in a VIBRANT love relationship with Jesus)

waiting

i miss you
i miss the city
i miss the church there
i miss the country
i miss the culture
i miss my children there
i miss working alongside you
i miss evangelizing
i miss interacting with you daily and asking you about your own walk with Him

i miss you
i miss you
i miss you

but it's not my time... and God knows best.
all i can do is pray and ask:

9How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you? 10Night and day we pray most earnestly that we may see you again and supply what is lacking in your faith.
11Now may our God and Father himself and our Lord Jesus clear the way for us to come to you.

~1 Thess 4:9-11

falling in love again...

haha. with the right "one" this time. oh Jesus, what would i do without you?

amazed

realizing how little i know of grace
and how much greater it is
i am perfectly loved and dearly beloved
that's it. no more, no less.
i am perfectly loved and dearly beloved
i am perfectly loved and dearly beloved
---------------------------

directions to ???

tell me your plan for the nations
and pray, Lord, tell me how i fit into your divine plan
you've done so much for me already
how can i serve you?

running

BECAUSE we have the testimonies of all these people of awesome faith
THROW OFF hinderances + entagling sin
RUN with perseverance in the race
FIX our eyes on Jesus (prize!), running after him who ran before us
CONSIDER Jesus who endured opposition too
DON'T grow weary or lose heart/courage

~Hebrews 12:1-3 (Annie style)
--------------------------------------------------

growing weary and losing heart in my battle against sin.
but the Lord has ran this race before and he is the First one
i am called to run hard after him.

Lord, strengthen my feeble arms and weak knees
you're worth it, Jesus.
help me to see how much more you're worth it.

heartsick

dear Lord, why now?
why is my heart stirred and not quiet?

and him? dear God, i cannot be in love with a missionary.
it cannot be him. i am unready, he is unready.
why does my heart feel like it's left unguarded?

no peace, no concentration
take it from me, my Lord, i beg you
i cannot stand to sin against you any longer

homesick

from an old post via facebook: (dated 1/30/07)

every night, when i call home, my mom is so excited to hear from me that i can't help but to tear up while listening to her happily recite the events of the day. my throat closes and i can't manage other words besides "yes" "no" and "alright." i'm not quite sure if she can hear the love in my monotonic answers but i do believe one of the best feelings in the world is listening to her love me from 5000 miles away.

how greatly i have been blessed!

..............................................................
even after 3.5 years, i'm pleased to notice that the sentiment hasn't changed.
how special a mother's love is!

impact

mom has just given her blessing to go on VSET 2011.

but God's got to work wonders gradewise, timewise, jobwise. Lord, i wait for your timing and your divine orchestration

a tearing of the heart

my Lord, i love you.
but Lord, i think i also love him.
yet not my will but yours be done.

...

you tell me to wait
wait on you
wait for your timing
wait for you to grow me more

oh, my God, how my heart burns
as i wait on your goodness

and i survey your cross and see your love for me
in this moment where i love you above all.
let it overshadow everything else

and Lord, i surrender it to you
not just now, but the next moment, and the next

so good to me

i passed this semester. PRAISE THE LORD. he persevered and saved me thorugh 8/100ths of a point.

omg

my grace is sufficient for thee, made perfect in low gpa times. made oh so perfect in my weakness for when i am weak, then i am strong for the power that was at work in Christ is enough to raise the dead and to raise my gpa.

i am in awe

bigger than the air i breathe

LORD,...

i know you are larger than my brother or any decisions he makes
i know you are more powerful than sin's hold on his life
i know you are more precious than the approval of man
i know you are transformative, filling, captivating,
i know you are God

,,,,

an "ah ha!" moment

terrible day terrible day terrible day terrible day
whine at God n' cry
terrible day terrible day terrible day terrible day
annoy people closest to me with more whining

whine whine whine whine whine
sulk in my room and cry some more....

tired of whining, flip open Bible by happenchance
pray to God and ask for clarity

shown sin, and path to righteousness
obey God, ask forgiveness, seek humility

and suddenly,
the day's not so terrible anymore.

heart problems

not of me but of a father of a sister close to my heart...
------------------------------------

Lord, i trust. i know.
you've given.
and if you take,
who are we to say
it was ours to start?

but above all, YOU ARE GOOD.

please Lord, in this time,
comfort, comfort my people, you say
for our sins have been paid for
our striving has ceased

for we pray comfort, comfort
for our worrisome souls.
for our fragile bodies.
comfort, comfort
even though death has lost its sting
it's victory, it's horror
before the cross

help us, help us
to seem, to know
that mortal death is but sleep
a closing of the eyes

for soon we will rise
and in this time,
sorrow has no place,
suffering has no mention,
for the dead in You rise first
and we who are still alive will join up
with them in the clouds

and as you promise.
THEN... we will be with the Lord forever.
as we have always been
for "never will i leave you"
"never will i forsake you"

rebuilding the city

JEREMIAH 33:6-8

"NEVERTHELESS, I WILL BRING HEALTH AND HEALING TO IT; i WILL HEAL MY PEOPLE AND WILL LET THEM ENJOY ABUNDANT PEACE AND SECURITY. I WILL BRING JUDAH AND ISRAEL BACK FROM CAPTIVITY AND WILL REBUILD THEM AS BEFORE. I WILL CLEANSE THEM FROM ALL THE SIN THEY HAVE COMMITTED AGAINST ME AND WILL FORGIVE ALL THEIR SINS OF REBELLION AGAINST ME."

promise of restoration.

feeling useless lately. as in, not fit for the service of God.

if i don't serve, am i not fit for the kingdom of God?
well, if my faith is based on faith and not works. then no.

if i'm not used by the church. if people don't come to me for help, am i not fit for the kingdom of God?
well, if my faith is based on Christ's sacrifice, my worth is given by Him, then no.

if i feel unwanted, shunted to the side, despised, hated, and unnoticed, am i not fit for the kingdom of God?
well, if my faith is based on God love for me, a sinner, then no.

in all these things, i am no less worth than when i was in my full capacity of serving. my worth has already been determined not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God (john 1:13).

and so my intrinsic value and worth before the Almighty has been determined. it's set in stone. done. Christ died for me. there is my value, there is my "importance" if you will. my competence comes from him (2 Cor 3:4-5)

confidence. that he is my competence (rhyming :D). and my despair before God is of deepest sin because i do not believe His love to be enough.

haha moment

was going through my first EVER QT in my first EVER NOTEBOOK from freshman year and i wrote, at the end of it...

"obedience is hard but i know you are still stressing the importance of that characteristic to me. May you keep me in your Word always"

oh man. and here, 4 years later, im STILL learning how to obey well, willingly, and joyfully.

yeesh, talk about life lesson

longing for heaven

i think the only reason i want Jesus to come soon is because i'm tired.

i'm tired of who i've become and i don't know how to get back, i don't know how i can ever be redeemed.

Lord, you've taken it all away. what more do i have left but you? but what can i do if i only have you? you say faith can move mountains but can faith heal my heart?

why does it feel like you're deaf to my cry?

limits

sometimes i feel like i'm so eager to show nonbelievers how i'm not bound by legalism that i end up bound by that reverse legalism to sin.

jesus help me seek purity in these times.

i don't NEED to go drinking with them all the time
i don't NEED to talk about boys nonstop
i don't NEED to gossip about who's doing what
i don't NEED to complain about my professors
i don't NEED to get annoyed or snap back at my roommate

... but what i NEED to do is love. and that's where i'm missing the target.

-------------------------------
midterm tomorrow.

convinced that time spent in the Lord, in prayer, and in praise,

is never time wasted.

PTL!!!

haha, i can't help it. overjoyed that my... DISCIPLER'S GONNA GET MARRIED!!! ... praises upon high!

i can't explain it. idk, just hearing that news makes me overjoyed for the two of them.

now to hope for God's "happy ending" for me.

thankful

the more time i spend with my dad,

... the more i realize i've always been daddy's little girl.

<3

praise

You are stronger
you are stronger
Sin is broken you have saved me
it is written Christ is risen Jesus you are Lord of all
---------------------------

found these awesome awesome spots on the USC health sciences campus where i can spend time alone with Him both in prayer and praise. yay!

prayer request post...

been a while but here's what's new...

1) the quietness of my heart (see song of songs 2:7 among others) is being stirred as i look at my pharm class and *sigh* to the Lord that there is no one i see fitting to be a potential mate. that is, there is no one who THIRSTS for the living God... oh man... DIE TO SELF... and stop LOOKING. not only in the "logical" places, but stop LOOKING altogether until it's time for love to awaken.

2) PRAYER for the church in Beijing. especially with the submission to leadership by the sisters. so many strong sisters who are passionate for the Lord, who desire to know him, and women of strong character. but the pride that leads to a disregard for our leaders' authority is one that tears churches apart. prayer that the ones who left will spend time with the Lord and know of his love and his reason for calling us to submission.

3) thinking about going through a day of fasting/prayer to seek the Lord in regards to #2 above and also about the same issue for my own spiritual walk. I've been healed of a lot of hurt from the church and received redemption for my pride that has caused me to leave the church initially. but now that i've been drawn back, there's something blocking that last little push and OMPH between me and God. most likely, this is an issue of my bitterness against my discipler.

start time: Saturday morning.
end time: Sunday morning.

4) therefore, good luck to me and PTL,,,

----------------------------------------------------------------
"O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above."

this valentine's day

lol... these people are on my heart!




... + praying to be able to go back this summer as well...

in melting my heart of stone...

i'm being given a heart of flesh...

<3

-----------------------------------
10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, (!)
and his arm rules for him.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.

(btw, recompense is to make resitution, to repay)

11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
AND CARRIES THEM CLOSE TO HIS HEART;
he gently leads those that have young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?

13 Who has understood the mind of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?

~Isaiah 40: 10-13

--------------------------------------------------


no one, Lord. you alone are such a God. and THIS is the God I serve: the powerful one of Israel who also gently leads the sheep and carries them close to his heart...

LOL just found this...

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."

A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What, on Earth, does he mean by that?"

Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."

------------------------
classy

soul (work) in progress...

i once heard a saying applied to christian life. the author wrote : "a lone ranger is a dead ranger"

and i feel like that lone ranger right now.

----------------------------------------
when i go back to the church, i don't feel the same love that i used to for the Body.
when had the fellowship stopped? when i stopping DOING THINGs?

...
why do i feel less loved?
and what is this shame that i can't throw off because i can't be there?...

i think i'm having trouble forgiving myself for leaving
having trouble forgiving God for "taking" it away

and there in lies the source of my confusion...

if i KNOW he's good... why's he taking all of it away from me...
and i doubt his goodness, how can i believe the goodness of his people?

i realize now that when my faith was simple and God was just GOOD, things were easier- a blessed time. but now, in spiritual adolescence, i'm this ball of confusion: balancing a knowledge of Christ combined with deeper questions and emotional dips like none other.

ai ya, i just want to hurry and get this season of my life over with.

mercy + abounding grace. PRAYER!

just today, i heard that a contact i had over on VSET 09 called n' asked more about the gospel...

PRAISE THE LORD.

not because i'm proud my seed sowed deeper, but because this girl's story warrants God's praise.

i met her while she was studying english at a university not her own. we spoke on God and his love. she somewhat understood. she used to follow Christ before her parents found out and nearly disowned her for it. we had one follow up meet up during which i pressed her to believe in faith that God was larger than her parents.

she told me she never wanted to see me again.

we never spoke after that. nor kept in touch.

but then, something, GOD! , has melted her heart of stone and given her a heart of flesh. she's seeking his face. may she not be deterred again. Prayer (please?) for this sudden interest to be genuine heart change and filled with new life.

...............

oh Lord, praise you for changing her heart! the seed which YOU have sown is of a deeper caliber than mine with my stumbling words. for you are the one who has made it penetrate the heart and your word has divided even spirit from soul.

--------------------------------------------------------
BUT....

hearing her story makes me long to go overseas---to help with the reaping and the weeding of the divine harvest field.

God, if it's in your will. send me overseas at some point in my life! because i think about the mission field daily...