i once heard a saying applied to christian life. the author wrote : "a lone ranger is a dead ranger"
and i feel like that lone ranger right now.
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when i go back to the church, i don't feel the same love that i used to for the Body.
when had the fellowship stopped? when i stopping DOING THINGs?
...
why do i feel less loved?
and what is this shame that i can't throw off because i can't be there?...
i think i'm having trouble forgiving myself for leaving
having trouble forgiving God for "taking" it away
and there in lies the source of my confusion...
if i KNOW he's good... why's he taking all of it away from me...
and i doubt his goodness, how can i believe the goodness of his people?
i realize now that when my faith was simple and God was just GOOD, things were easier- a blessed time. but now, in spiritual adolescence, i'm this ball of confusion: balancing a knowledge of Christ combined with deeper questions and emotional dips like none other.
ai ya, i just want to hurry and get this season of my life over with.
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4 comments:
annie!
i haven't been there at whec lately, so i don't happen to know the context (if there is any)...
but anyways, cheer up!!
:)
i think you are equally awesome, if not more, this year as last year and the year before too. and God agrees :)
i love reading your blog because you're not afraid of sharing real stuff from your heart.
thanks for encouraging me--whether you know it or not--through all your love and devotion for Jesus.
<3
p.s. of course you are not a lone ranger. you have me ;) but until you feel better again, FIGHT ON! will pray for you
<3
walking with jesus is always meant to be simple. =) it's our humanness that makes things complicated. just obey jesus in the little things. the gospel is very simple :)
I've rebegun reading Purpose Driven Life again. (Yep I broke the 40-day contract I knew I couldn't follow to begin with). I read Ch. 17 yesterday and was like "Whoa, I already know this, yet I still do this. WHY? aargh" For example, this was on p. 131 "If an organ is somehow severed from its body, it will shrivel and die. It cannot exist on its own, and neither can you. Disconnected and cut off from the lifeblood of a local body, your spiritual life will wither and eventually cease to exist. This is why the 1st symptom of spiritual decline is usually inconsistent attendance at worship services and other gatherings of believers." I've been participating less actively here in Ohio church & fellowship ministries, trying to make excuses to justify my self-isolation. I'm not saying u're doing these things b/c I don't know, but I know that loneliness or dampened joy must be fought for. And it's simply found in a frustrating "God why couldn't you have spared me from all that suffering beforehand?". But it's good in an odd-Lord-way.
Well, I don't know if I make much sense. I appreciate you and ur posts that express a little of what many hide.
haha, here's another comment from me:
I reread my post and ur post. Perhaps we're experiencing similar seasons of life at the same time...
Anyways, I'm currently have "Kokoro" by SS501 from Blue Dragon anime on repeat :p
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