beautiful soles

pulled out the dirty crocs today. first time since VSET since i've worn them.

dirty, but doesn't he say that the feet that bring good news are "beautiful"?

his goodness.

that's what i've forgotten.
the steps i've taken in these shoes, the message that he's given me to say to the lost, and the broken hearted, the captive, the prisoners, to myself...

to proclaim this year as the year of our Lord. to trade ALL of our ashes for beauty.
to trade in the bread that does not satisfy and partake of that which will never let me hunger again...

to think of it, i've been hungry for a while.

now what?

it's not God that i hate, it's people.

alright, so now i'm this bubbling cesspool of bitterness.

Jesus, how am i supposed to come back?

hurt

"dramatic"....

is that really what you thought of me? when emotions are so integral to who i am as a person God made... this is what you think of me?

i feel betrayed as your disciple

wishing i was a freshman again

lol...

walked into EVK (dining hall). as a graduate student, ginormous brace, business clothes, roll-ey bag. and i felt so at home and yet, so out of place

for this was the dining hall where, as a freshman, i spent so much time with my roommate and a lot of the good friends i still have now.

as a sophomore, this was the dining hall that i mainly did my QTs in, speaking to God's voice and learning from him amidst food. a site where much of my stuggles were between God and learning to love him again after self-mangling my heart

as a junior/senior, EVK was where i went to search out freshmen to talk to about Jesus. or later, when we formed our bible study, it was the place where i spent many a happy meal with the underclassmen...

and now, as a graduate student, i come back to EVK and am suddenly overcome by the memories tied in to this place...
ah, those were the days!

O Lord, i suppose now... since i've got no one willing to eat there anymore with me... guess it's back to you and me...

but lack of company can't stop me from praying for freshmen...

revelation

As i was praying during praise (and prayer) night by myself on the floor at WHEC, i looked over and saw cho/jessL, praying together and my heart was overcome by jealousy.

I angrily prayed to God, "why haven't you allowed me such a sister that i can hold on to and help build up as well as support? why do you always keep me alone?"

and in my anger and fuming at the Lord he showed me...

that i don't let people get near me.

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a long time ago, i had a best friend, a sister of my own heart to say. alright, so she was hindu and indian, but that didn't stop us from being the best of friends. i poured out in friendship and, well, mayhap abused our friendship in a way. but i didn't realize i was doing anything wrong, she never mentioned anything...

and one day, it ended. i found a letter threatening to kill me unless i switched schools.

instinctively, i knew it was her. later, she was nearly suspended for that action but the administration chose to take pity on her.

my heart broke and we never spoke again. i resolved never to let a friend hurt me like that ever again.
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flash forward 8 years and the scars are still there. i forgave, and forgave, and asking for cleansing over and over. and even now, even knowing Jesus... i refuse to let people get close to me.

present but aloof. friendly but distant. lonely and yet complaining about loneliness.

but this has got to change.... alright Jesus, let's do this...

failure

even if i'm going to fail pharmacy school... (which may be certain considering the grades i'm getting)

he is STILL God... and worthy to be praised...






Holy Spirit grant me the strength to praise in my weakness

the worth of a soul (cost small change on my part)

well, my mother was looking at my busted knee. i was sitting there with this ginormous cast thingie around my leg post-ACL surgery, in pain because even going to the bathroom requires someone to help me.

and she asked me, "you went through all this pain... was VSET really worth all this effort (and money and pain)?"

and i thought about Monica in mongolia and how she cried from finally understanding the beauty of the Gospel. And Alicia, whose demenor changed 180 from accepting jesus, to all the other students in the class that i (with God's great and mightly grace), painfully strived to love

and i told her it was all worth it

(omg, super cheesy)...