revelation

As i was praying during praise (and prayer) night by myself on the floor at WHEC, i looked over and saw cho/jessL, praying together and my heart was overcome by jealousy.

I angrily prayed to God, "why haven't you allowed me such a sister that i can hold on to and help build up as well as support? why do you always keep me alone?"

and in my anger and fuming at the Lord he showed me...

that i don't let people get near me.

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a long time ago, i had a best friend, a sister of my own heart to say. alright, so she was hindu and indian, but that didn't stop us from being the best of friends. i poured out in friendship and, well, mayhap abused our friendship in a way. but i didn't realize i was doing anything wrong, she never mentioned anything...

and one day, it ended. i found a letter threatening to kill me unless i switched schools.

instinctively, i knew it was her. later, she was nearly suspended for that action but the administration chose to take pity on her.

my heart broke and we never spoke again. i resolved never to let a friend hurt me like that ever again.
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flash forward 8 years and the scars are still there. i forgave, and forgave, and asking for cleansing over and over. and even now, even knowing Jesus... i refuse to let people get close to me.

present but aloof. friendly but distant. lonely and yet complaining about loneliness.

but this has got to change.... alright Jesus, let's do this...