under pressure

lol. stress is bad for the soul...

*sigh*... anxiety in the heart about (potential?) surgery....

more later when i find out actual results and the magnitude of the damage on monday...

God, where are you? i'm in the desert and pressed on every side

encouragement at 7am

But I will sing of your strenght,
IN THE MORNING I will sing of your love;
for YOU are my fortress;
MY REFUGE in times of trouble.

O MY STRENGTH, i sing praise to you;
you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God

~Psalm 59:16-17 (emphasis by author)
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and i nearly burst out singing in the middle of my morning commute... lol

doors closing...

so many logistical things that are happening... must happen, need to happen, miscommunications...

forgive me for not being at peace.

what is my passion? to see people come to know jesus...
Master, Mission, Mate, (then school?)
or well, rather, because i'm single and not looking
Master, Mission, School... AND THEN mate

Lord God, why do i feel discontent with you? why can i not do that which you have given me the passion for? maybe it's because nothing comes out as i have planned it. and the lack of control frustrates and bewilders me.

trust God. trust people. trust His transformation in me.
let me not go back to my old ways (aka. before VSET)...

prayer please for a continual death to self and submission of my wants.

wise words

"... What do I really want? Was it to love what God commands, in the words of the collect, and to desire what He promises? Did I want what I wanted, or did I want what He wanted, no matter what it might cost?

Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship. The Cross, as it enters the love life, will reveal the heart's truth. My heart, I knew, would be forever a lonely hunter unless settled 'where true joys are to be found.' "

~Elizabeth Elliot (Passion and Purity)

moving on tonight

haha... i realized how pathetic i've been acting. ah, the "poor me" and self-pity cycle of before

i'm breaking out of it...

with the Lord as the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

not that i'm waiting for the burn to die, but that i wish for Him to replace that burning.

the song that brought me to tears...

fed up with the world

just tired after fighting the battle today at pharm school orientation.

too many voices, telling me to join this, to join that, MUST network, MUST party, freedom of graduate school, let go of undergraduate, move on, move on, forget people, this is your new crowd, YOUR NEW CROWD....

gah.

Lord God, it's difficult to push these voices back and hold on what is truth. all i know is that i wasn't bought with perishable things but with the blood of Christ. and he commands me to keep from gratifying the sinful nature

therefore, Lord, how am i to minister in this crowd of sinners when i myself am constantly in danger of falling in...

a brother yesterday told me wise words that "the holy man is not one who is sinless, but is one who is tempted a thousand times and yet, continues to say no."

i pray that God may grant me the grace to respond "no" continually to the flesh

passion/passion/passion (where has purity gone?)

when you're not mine to have, when God has not called me to you...

therefore, i will let you go

empty me...

O Lord God, my heart burns within my body for you. I pray to be emptied of everything i contain that contradicts your beloved word.

Why can i not be filled with you? I am desperate for you, Lord Jesus. fill my heart, fill my soul. help me to love you with every fiber of my being.

I surrender to your holy fire. may the intensity of my passion for you be matched only by my willingness to surrender all my idols to you.

identity crisis

when i was in China, i met a "super Buddhist" who asked me WHAT i was. i said easily: I am 1) a child of God, 2) God's beloved, and 3) God's servant.

yet now, i feel as if i've lost that resolve that caused me to proclaim so boldly what i thought was my identity.

why is it that Satan uses the people closest to our hearts to tear down our resolve? And why is that he has placed such a doubt within my mother's heart that, without comfort, with out the guarantee of a degree, that there is no future?

I despise being torn like this.

unease in the heart

*sigh* well, after 6 weeks of mayhem, i am now back in the states again. the early flight was because of a scheduling conflict between pharmacy school orientation and VSET. as a result, my parents called me back to school in order to prevent any possibility of losing my enrollment.

but then i found out today that the deadline was, as i suspected, orientation day (August 18th)...

yet the sovereignty of it all is undeniable. because previously, while on VSET, God allowed an event to occur that, even now, tests my resolve. I enjoy this moment of fleeing and yet, am torn to pieces because my flesh desires to be there to be satisfied.

My Lord God, how painfully obvious you orchestrate things to allow us to taste the worldly longing resting latent in our souls. And then, you jerk us back so that we may understand the magnitude of how sin is detestable to you....

God forbid my desire for him to stumble me.