remembering...

i forget that my brother is male and needs support and affirmation too...

*sigh* this winter's going to be harder than i thought

what to do?

just calculated grades for pharm semester 1

i need a 3.0.

i need a 2.8 to be on "probation"

i got 2.6

oh jesus, if there was ever a doubt that i need you to deliver me, it's now.


-------------------------
but may your will be done.

who i am is not who i want to be

i know why i ran out today
why i refused to let you pray for me

you see...

the reason i don't want you to see my tears, is because SHE would not have shed tears. SHE would not have had her discipler + two random sisters pray for her departure. SHE would not have ever been thought of as emotional. SHE would have had her beloved roommate as well as esther + HER discipler to pray and send her off.

because in my heart, i didn't want to be annie. i wanted to be HER.

i wanted HER discipline more than my emotional desire to follow God.
i wanted to be able to say awesome prayers like HER without the Spirit moving me to tears every time.
i wanted HER background of a pastor father and family members who serve Christ.
i wanted HER sheer number of disciples rather than my few faithful ones.
i wanted HER close experience with her VSET women's team leader rather than my own where we butted heads over and over.
i wanted a roommate like HERs who would share everything with me and love me like a sister in Christ.
i wanted to be loved like HER by other sisters, who'd come by and sleep over, pray, talk, sing praise.
i wanted you to see me like you see HER and praise me.

------------------------------------------
i wanted all these things that are HERs. and i wanted to be loved like HER.

but i know God didn't make me this way. and it tears me apart because i'm made the way he wanted me to be.

but deep down, i really hate who i am.

knowing nothing

knowing physio is like knowing God.

you think you've understood it all. and then when push comes to shove,

you find that all you know is the tip of the iceberg...

for now we see in a mirror darkly...

i look at you and
i see that lack of trust unwilling to bend
i see your hurt that comes from past hurts
i see your insecurities, your failures, your self esteem

every sentence you say is "I, I, I.."
"I don't like this.."
"I'm not happy here..."
"I don't like my father"
"You don't understand how I feel"

Darling,
I see your pride, i see your emptiness
and it 's like looking into a mirror reflecting back

for what separates us is nothing and,
at the same time,
a world of change.

-----------------------------------

but oh man, we dearly need Jesus.

(eavesdropping on a conversation at a coffee shop)

engagement

Jesus, you totally make the best fiance...

because you've given me what cost you the most-- your life. and expect me to give you nothing in return...

only that i say "yes"

---------------------------------
10 My lover said to me,
“Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!
11 Look, the winter is past,
and the rains are over and gone.
12 The flowers are springing up,
the season of singing birds[e] has come,
and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.
13 The fig trees are forming young fruit,
and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.
Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!”

~Song of Songs 2

cup o' joe

good coffee should make you praise the Lord...

bad coffee should cause us to fall on our knees in repentance. Jesus' cup was far bitterer than this...

reminisce

...what happened since those days?

Jesus, i want to go back to those times when my heart wasn't this burdened by sin.

-------------------------------------------------

update!
going to work on the reconciliation on tuesday. prayer for my heart to be in its proper spot. humble, quick to listen, slow to speak...

in midst of pancakes...

11 pm

smell of butter, maple syrup, managed care n' pencils before me.
in comes a huge group, mixed black and white, all college students.
loud, joyful group. some wearing shirts indicating a church group or fellowship.
i only catch the word God on one of their shirts (usually a good sign)
they take up a whole half of Denny's

the talk turns to cheers. and suddenly, a gospel song rises up.
strong men's voices start, followed by harmonizing group of altos and soprano females

all everyone else in the restaurant can do is close their eyes and let the praise wash over them...

"fare thee well, fare thee well" : an anthem of goodbye to the worldly things
the song then ends with more cheering and the crowd resumes their talk

and i'm ever convinced that my pancakes are but temporary sustenance. the praise of HIM is what continues to give my soul strength.

(a scratchy version listed below. it was glorious hearing it in the restaurant)

no complaints (for once)

3"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

------------------------------------------------------------------
don't enjoy suffering. but it's a "blessed" state to be in.

without suffering, i cannot experience his grace. without knowing the depths of my sin, i cannot experience mercy. and without godly sorrow, i cannot even repent.

only you can bring me to tears this easily.

missing peace

where has it gone?

prayer to write...

God's good. and i'm encouraged by my subscriptions to how the family is experiencing him...

Lord, turn my heart again back to you. and empty me...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
on another note, i find myself thinking day after day of Mongolia. I miss the land and culture and experience. but what shames me is the lack of love i have for the people. what i long for is the thirst of adventure, not for the souls of the people i know to experience Him...

what i want is not of eternal things, but worldy things.

i wish to long for eternal things again, like the Savior's love.

was reading a brother's entry and I AM LIVING MY LIFE TO BE A PLAQUE ON THE WALL. achievements, grades, forced image of 'spirituality', it's all a sham...

what was built is made of gold, costly materials, no less... but it'll all burn away at the end.

and i realize too, the less i dwell in the vine, the more lacluster my writing becomes.

and i long to write poetry again...