i know why i ran out today
why i refused to let you pray for me
you see...
the reason i don't want you to see my tears, is because SHE would not have shed tears. SHE would not have had her discipler + two random sisters pray for her departure. SHE would not have ever been thought of as emotional. SHE would have had her beloved roommate as well as esther + HER discipler to pray and send her off.
because in my heart, i didn't want to be annie. i wanted to be HER.
i wanted HER discipline more than my emotional desire to follow God.
i wanted to be able to say awesome prayers like HER without the Spirit moving me to tears every time.
i wanted HER background of a pastor father and family members who serve Christ.
i wanted HER sheer number of disciples rather than my few faithful ones.
i wanted HER close experience with her VSET women's team leader rather than my own where we butted heads over and over.
i wanted a roommate like HERs who would share everything with me and love me like a sister in Christ.
i wanted to be loved like HER by other sisters, who'd come by and sleep over, pray, talk, sing praise.
i wanted you to see me like you see HER and praise me.
------------------------------------------
i wanted all these things that are HERs. and i wanted to be loved like HER.
but i know God didn't make me this way. and it tears me apart because i'm made the way he wanted me to be.
but deep down, i really hate who i am.
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2 comments:
but Annie, you're so beautiful..
whatever condemnation you have is from the enemy, to blind you from seeing your own beauty. don't take the lies Annie. you're so beautiful.
hmmm hi annie. i never read your blog... but i read it today and ... let's talk! haha. i want to walk this with you cuz i kinda understand some of the stuff the enemy is throwing at u. what's your #? can u email it to me: quan.julie@gmail.com thanks!
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