a more modern psalm

O my Lord, what is this feeling in my heart? this ache that longs to feel his hands, his skin, his lips on mine... all previously forsaken things.

how deep is this sin, that overwhelms my mind and makes my broken soul long for fulfillment?

and what cost, dear Lord, would it take for me to be free from this? i know my tears, my blood, my futile sacrifices are of no value to you so long as it is my heart that i keep from your sacrifical fire.

O save me, my God, for i am too weak to seek freedom from these chains. for only you hold the key to the lock that binds them to me.

but i remember your goodness and your kindness. your love and truth. the girls you have sent and your people that i am called serve.

Praise be to the Lord my God for I am not yet consumed because of his great mercy. your promises are new every morning! great is your faithfulness!

and i realize that these chains, burdensome and painful, are given by you to burn through the dross of character.

seek me and know my heart. teach me ways in which i can give more and more to you.
keep your servant from secret faults and lead me, my Lord, in ways everlasting.

dependence on faith

its odd,
that the moment my reliance deviates from Him,
when i think i can finally
stand up on my two feet
and fly
through my life, through the world, through ministry
with no help from God

that all these fragile pieces come crashing down again
and its odd
that like all those previous times
i never learn

i recently wrote in a dedication:
"I trust he will continue to lead you
as you fall more and more in love with Him"
yet what do these words mean?
do i believe in them?
after two years of running after my God,
am i stumped by the phrase
"fall more and more in love with Him" ?

i understand leading
i think understand following too
(implied response from receiving human)
but what is it like to love without being an automatron
*beep* *whirrrrrr*
"today's... QT.....
MUST.... LOVE...
CHRIST....
(holds up two fingers) LITTLE BIT......"

still learning this
still learning to rely

and i figured,
one is never too old
grown mature rooted
whatever you may call it
to not need faith....


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Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

and without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

~Hebrews 11:1,6

beauty!

heh. so ends my three day hiatus to seek the Lord my God with my heart, soul, and mind.

as i was walking towards the library from lab, the rain was pelting down on my umbrella. now normally, i hate the rain in LA. but today, i happened to glance up and see alumni park sky filled with falling leaves.

my Lord, your colors, even in the dark and depressing rain, are gorgeous.
(i wish i took a picture to share with you all)

praises

over winter conference, someone came to christ. PRAISE THE LORD. angels are singing for that one lost sheep has returned and repented. i pray protection from the devil and that she may grow to become an oak of righteousness for our God.

but on another note. it's become apparent that this blog, though it started innocent enough, has become an idol in my life. the deepest part of my soul is being fulfilled with fantasies of another. O Lord of my heart, how deceitful i am!

let me separate myself. and seek the God who loves me with this broken heart. and leave him to the one he's called to.

to You alone, i surrender it all.

in preparation before conference

PRAISE GOD... the banner is finished

but i don't feel ready for conference. (i think i need to spend tomorrow prepping my heart?)

it feels lost. like i've just become... lukewarm. my faith amounts to little, my practice of his commands are strong in front of others,... weak when alone.
i think too often my actions or my words are meant to benefit myself. pride and selfishness... to make me look good or "feel better" by being "holier than thou"

performance performance.

My Lord, my God,
i want to be hot on fire for you. i wish for passion. and after hearing my brother Daniel's sharing of his time in China,... i want passion to spread your word so that you may be glorified. so that i may serve you and serve your people.

...

last day on the island

with barbed words you struck
and pierced our hearts
needles of "not your child"

tears that coursed
and overflowed
not one but all four faces

and there i stood, awestruck
dumbstruck
to watch my parents cry

and reassure love upon love
and promises forever
saying "love, my child"
and "always will be"

to see humility in deep love
makes me wonder still
how deep it is our savior's love
whose wounds have bleed for freedom

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it feels odd to sit here and type these things out. all i know is that PTL that things managed to work out this winter break.

but tonight, it feels as if we have nearly avoided a family disaster.

my 11 year old angsty brother threw a fit today as we were in the parking lot of the airport. i think it was about being able to play his nintendo DS for an unreasonable amount of hours. thing is, he was so inflamed that eventually, after a lot of mental prods and a couple words of discipline, he decided to run away then and there.

my parents chased after him and kept holding onto his arms and legs so that he wouldn't run. and all the time, he was crying and yelling things that broke our hearts. things to the effect of "you don't love me, you've never loved me, you don't want me, i don't want to be your child" over and over.

eventually, i got everyone, all four of us in tears, into the car to lay down our hurts and talk it over. my parents were tremendously gracious and in humility continued to reassure us of their love over and over.

it's crazy how God works and continues to work. i only praise him that though tonight could have ended up a disaster.

goodbye, my island.
LA awaits.

airing out dirty laundry

annoyance.
with myself, with my parents, with my pride, with my brother, with my self image, with my relationship with God...

i want to tear my hair out because there's all this pent up pride.

i think deep down, what i really am is jealous and covetous. covetous of what other people have-- money, fame, physical beauty, material things. and it all started with the simple question, "how come i don't have these things?"

dangerous question. dangerous thoughts.
and we all know where the path leads down...

sometimes i'm so frustrated with what i want want want...

but godliness with contentment is of great gain.

i want to seek contentment, the contentment that comes from heavenward. to be fine with the way things are and secure that He's got it under control. i mean, seriously, his word's more precious that gold and sweeter than honey... best thing to have right?

all that's left is to develop the faith that lives each day believing this truth.

new covenant

found this today when i was doing QTs... good stuff


"This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel
after that time, declares the Lord.
I will put my laws in their minds
and write them on their hearts.
I will be their God,
and they will be my people.
No longer will a man teach his neighbor,
or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,'
because they will all know me,
from the least of them to the greatest.
For I will forgive their wickedness
and will remember their sins no more."

~taken from Hebrews 8:10-12 (originally quoted in Jer 31:33-34)

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i draw your attention to the first line. "i will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts."

and so, as horrifyingly sinful as i think my brother is (i know, plank in the eye). but since he's accepted Christ, and God promises to write his law in our minds and hearts... in addition, he's God's child first and foremost. and my brother secondly....

*sigh* it's hard to let go and let Him take control, especially when it concerns my younger sibling... but if i trust Him to grow me in maturity... i think i should trust him with growing my brother as well? (i think i'm afraid of my bro stumbling in the ways as i did... "generational sin" and whatnot)...

SWEETLY BROKEN, WHOLLY SURRENDERED...
__________________________________________________________________________

"At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered"

-Jeremy Riddle, "Sweetly Broken"