remembering...

i forget that my brother is male and needs support and affirmation too...

*sigh* this winter's going to be harder than i thought

what to do?

just calculated grades for pharm semester 1

i need a 3.0.

i need a 2.8 to be on "probation"

i got 2.6

oh jesus, if there was ever a doubt that i need you to deliver me, it's now.


-------------------------
but may your will be done.

who i am is not who i want to be

i know why i ran out today
why i refused to let you pray for me

you see...

the reason i don't want you to see my tears, is because SHE would not have shed tears. SHE would not have had her discipler + two random sisters pray for her departure. SHE would not have ever been thought of as emotional. SHE would have had her beloved roommate as well as esther + HER discipler to pray and send her off.

because in my heart, i didn't want to be annie. i wanted to be HER.

i wanted HER discipline more than my emotional desire to follow God.
i wanted to be able to say awesome prayers like HER without the Spirit moving me to tears every time.
i wanted HER background of a pastor father and family members who serve Christ.
i wanted HER sheer number of disciples rather than my few faithful ones.
i wanted HER close experience with her VSET women's team leader rather than my own where we butted heads over and over.
i wanted a roommate like HERs who would share everything with me and love me like a sister in Christ.
i wanted to be loved like HER by other sisters, who'd come by and sleep over, pray, talk, sing praise.
i wanted you to see me like you see HER and praise me.

------------------------------------------
i wanted all these things that are HERs. and i wanted to be loved like HER.

but i know God didn't make me this way. and it tears me apart because i'm made the way he wanted me to be.

but deep down, i really hate who i am.

knowing nothing

knowing physio is like knowing God.

you think you've understood it all. and then when push comes to shove,

you find that all you know is the tip of the iceberg...

for now we see in a mirror darkly...

i look at you and
i see that lack of trust unwilling to bend
i see your hurt that comes from past hurts
i see your insecurities, your failures, your self esteem

every sentence you say is "I, I, I.."
"I don't like this.."
"I'm not happy here..."
"I don't like my father"
"You don't understand how I feel"

Darling,
I see your pride, i see your emptiness
and it 's like looking into a mirror reflecting back

for what separates us is nothing and,
at the same time,
a world of change.

-----------------------------------

but oh man, we dearly need Jesus.

(eavesdropping on a conversation at a coffee shop)

engagement

Jesus, you totally make the best fiance...

because you've given me what cost you the most-- your life. and expect me to give you nothing in return...

only that i say "yes"

---------------------------------
10 My lover said to me,
“Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!
11 Look, the winter is past,
and the rains are over and gone.
12 The flowers are springing up,
the season of singing birds[e] has come,
and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.
13 The fig trees are forming young fruit,
and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.
Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!”

~Song of Songs 2

cup o' joe

good coffee should make you praise the Lord...

bad coffee should cause us to fall on our knees in repentance. Jesus' cup was far bitterer than this...