for lack of...

what is legalism but a cry to experience grace?
and is the unyielding heart a longing for



humility?


and that in which lies of itself
cannot furthermore be expounded upon
for one controls the other
and other dependent thereon

so we with circled logic think
and poke and prod the Word
to search its nooks and crannies when
grace o'er overlooms

hope in humility

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entanges, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

~Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)
-------------------------------------------------------
you know, i started this off as a complaint, but after rereading the QT passage from a couple days ago and listening to "People get Ready... Jesus is Coming" cover by Avalon, I'm encouraged overall to run with perseverance.

"People get ready! Jesus is Coming! soon we'll be going home!"

so tired. depressing meet-ups. Ah, my God. i praise you that you redeem it all for your glory and i am merely a steward entrusted with your things.

so i pray, as i have been, sadly, with many tears and lamentations about how i desire true fulfillment from living water, i pray that you rain down your flood. overflow and wash away all that is Annie.




and i long for the day I can see our Lord! so people, GET READY. our Lord Jesus Christ is coming and soon, we'll be FREE from this world!

uncertainty

yay for february.

but bummer that today was so wasted. as in, my devotion to the Lord at that new room in SGM was so affected because of the new location.

and so when Min was speaking of attachment to White Harvest or Navigators rather than to God, it put my pride to shame. yet it was weird that i still didn't get anything from the sermon (YET).

ah well, at least the sermon blessed others. maybe there are things that still need lifting up to God.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

but i fear during our small group, i was harsher than need be.

well, someone shared about how she didn't feel close to God and had basically fallen away since 1 1/2 years. our leader, Jo, then said that no matter what we'll do, God will be there, he'll hold onto us even though we let go of Him and run away.

and for some reason... i added to that and pulled out my trusty "fact, faith, feeling" train that i ALWAYS rely on to illustrate the point of basing our faith on fact from the Word and not merely on fleshly feeling.

And then, for some reason, probably because God has been speaking to me on this as well, is that, when we sin, and we fall away for extended periods of time, there are consequences. consequences such that we do not experience grace as richly, we are given less of a circumstance to bless the body of Christ, and have them bless us back... and other more serious consequences and punishments (see Hebrews 10)

all these warnings and punishments. i don't know if these words came from my legalistic spirit or was it honesty and bluntness spoken out of truth.

i do hope it was the latter

and i pray that my words will not drive her farther from our beloved Lord.

a more modern psalm

O my Lord, what is this feeling in my heart? this ache that longs to feel his hands, his skin, his lips on mine... all previously forsaken things.

how deep is this sin, that overwhelms my mind and makes my broken soul long for fulfillment?

and what cost, dear Lord, would it take for me to be free from this? i know my tears, my blood, my futile sacrifices are of no value to you so long as it is my heart that i keep from your sacrifical fire.

O save me, my God, for i am too weak to seek freedom from these chains. for only you hold the key to the lock that binds them to me.

but i remember your goodness and your kindness. your love and truth. the girls you have sent and your people that i am called serve.

Praise be to the Lord my God for I am not yet consumed because of his great mercy. your promises are new every morning! great is your faithfulness!

and i realize that these chains, burdensome and painful, are given by you to burn through the dross of character.

seek me and know my heart. teach me ways in which i can give more and more to you.
keep your servant from secret faults and lead me, my Lord, in ways everlasting.

dependence on faith

its odd,
that the moment my reliance deviates from Him,
when i think i can finally
stand up on my two feet
and fly
through my life, through the world, through ministry
with no help from God

that all these fragile pieces come crashing down again
and its odd
that like all those previous times
i never learn

i recently wrote in a dedication:
"I trust he will continue to lead you
as you fall more and more in love with Him"
yet what do these words mean?
do i believe in them?
after two years of running after my God,
am i stumped by the phrase
"fall more and more in love with Him" ?

i understand leading
i think understand following too
(implied response from receiving human)
but what is it like to love without being an automatron
*beep* *whirrrrrr*
"today's... QT.....
MUST.... LOVE...
CHRIST....
(holds up two fingers) LITTLE BIT......"

still learning this
still learning to rely

and i figured,
one is never too old
grown mature rooted
whatever you may call it
to not need faith....


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

and without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

~Hebrews 11:1,6

beauty!

heh. so ends my three day hiatus to seek the Lord my God with my heart, soul, and mind.

as i was walking towards the library from lab, the rain was pelting down on my umbrella. now normally, i hate the rain in LA. but today, i happened to glance up and see alumni park sky filled with falling leaves.

my Lord, your colors, even in the dark and depressing rain, are gorgeous.
(i wish i took a picture to share with you all)

praises

over winter conference, someone came to christ. PRAISE THE LORD. angels are singing for that one lost sheep has returned and repented. i pray protection from the devil and that she may grow to become an oak of righteousness for our God.

but on another note. it's become apparent that this blog, though it started innocent enough, has become an idol in my life. the deepest part of my soul is being fulfilled with fantasies of another. O Lord of my heart, how deceitful i am!

let me separate myself. and seek the God who loves me with this broken heart. and leave him to the one he's called to.

to You alone, i surrender it all.