procrastination

bittersweet.

the year's ending. senior ICAers are going to leave (pretty much forever), my friends that i've been with these last 3 years are all going our separate ways. the freshmen are going to be sophisticated morons (according to Min), and i'm going to another campus...

it's like a chapter of my life is closing. but then another is opening. yet no matter what, i can't go back to those times i had in undergrad.

but what struck me today is the feeling that i love USC. mostly because it is a place where i found God and had fellowship with him.

even though my friends are all leaving, even if i'm the only one left (which i'm not), i can rest assured that God has never changed in all this. he has never left me nor forsaken me.

and that makes it all worth it...

finals time again (artist appreciation!)

I like this...

what i mean is, the emphasis that it has. that's what i feel my mind's like, that all these "christian" things are crowding me out n' even when i'm following Him, that there's so much to do and so much to accomplish and the rush to turn things in and trouble and my sins and i know this and that and the other thing about following God and and...

well, i just forget what my focus is in all of this.

and it should simply be "JESUS."

(artwork "Jesus" by abandoned25 on deviantart.com)

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Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her...
In that day, declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master'"

~Hosea 2:14,16

in wake of a stye in the rose garden

as i was going through one of my journals from the beginning of this year, i came across this sappy thing:

How sweet my Lord's call is
as it comes in quiet whisper
through rose tinted wind I hear his voice
and in meekness do i find comfort

For love fills my heart
follow sorrow and conviction
surrender, return
and true freedom from hunger

as eyes swollen shut
now see in all colors
seen beauty fills with awe
and makes the soul warmer.

trading beauty for ashes

"to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor"
~Isiah 61:3

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my ashes have been transformed to beauty
just as my mourning to be the oil of gladness
and my spirit of despair to be transformed to a garment of praise

i AM an oak of righteousness.... that feels like a small ugly seeding...

but i think, until i realize these truths and believe in faith... i can not progress in learning His love...

haha... this came up on Yahoo's LAUNCHcast when i was typing out this entry... just enjoyed the late 80s vibe that this song has...

picky about worship?

just came back from the Hillsong concert that was at the L.A. Nokia theatre. honestly, i'm ambivalent about it...

methinks there was too much actions towards God, God done for me...

not enough of pure God worship of his character

of building housing...

"First, fa-th is like a foundation. We build our relationship with G-d and our trust in J-sus on it. Without it, we wouldn’t even be able to see G-d....

Second, gr-ce is like materials, in a spir-tual sense. [It's] not just money, good grades,... but also the deliverance from trouble, the mending of broken hearts, the ability to hear his words, and more. Without G-d’s gr-ce, our lives wouldn’t be much.

Third, pr-yer is like a building. (Oh man, I hope this analogy works out; I only thought of it 3 paragraphs ago.)[sic] Pr-yer is a way to grow closer to G-d – the more you talk to people, the more you get to know them.

Faith is super important. Without faith, my time in KG is meaningless. ... G-d can give me all I want, J-sus can reveal himself to me in person, and I can experience all these crazy spiritual things, but without faith I couldn’t recognize"

~Tim L. (update sent 4/13/09)

hiding pain underneath a smile

To know of loss is to know of love.
yet what we do with this loss,
determines the depth of love that we'll continue to experience.

i cry and berate Him for taking away
what was not mine to begin with?

it's this loss that encroaches at my heart
and i have difficulty learning of what to do with it