hiding pain underneath a smile

To know of loss is to know of love.
yet what we do with this loss,
determines the depth of love that we'll continue to experience.

i cry and berate Him for taking away
what was not mine to begin with?

it's this loss that encroaches at my heart
and i have difficulty learning of what to do with it

glory glory glory

Peace I leave with you, my peace i give you. I do not give to you as the world gves. Do not let yor hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
~John 14:27

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I don't think i realize how much comfort i need to receive until i'm at my breaking point. But then, his love abounds all the more and is made perfect in weakness. As in the verse above, i'm not only given peace at salvation. but i must continually receive it. and then no troubled feelings and no fear.

yet this message of awesome comfort is saddening to my heart as well...

when i was at Cal for ETP, Jo n' I talked to this one woman who believed religion was brainwashing (put in nicer terms). But then she mentioned how she felt responsible for causing her brother's cancer because she belittled him for many years of their childhood.

even as i told her that that wasn't her shame or burden to carry, i could tell that the lies were too strong and that nothing i physically could do or say would change her deep shame.

O my Lord, i realized a glimpse of what your heart is for the lost at that point. But God is gracious, and soveriegn, and doesn't willingly bring affliction or grief (Lam. 3:33).

Faye, i'm still praying for you and hope you find your freedom one day.

sense and sensibility

sometimes i feel as if the hardest command i receive from God is "wait for MY glory"

The body of Christ... like a Cobb salad

From far away, one part is no different from another. Together they form a unified dish. But look close and one sees the olives, lettuce, egg, avocados... and far too many ingredients to count.

All is blanketed by the same white sauce and fragrance. Perhaps, then, the fragrance of Christ and overflowingly covered by goodness known as grace?

The church body should be delicious to the taste; palatable and smooth. Gentle in taste yet firm in texture. Loving in its conduct yet firm in faith.

One does not see bacon revolting and saying, "I wish not to be a part of this, I don't want to associate myself with the rest of the salad!"

For how can we be complete when pieces are missing from the finished product?

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Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a part of it.

~1 Corinthians 12:25

for lack of...

what is legalism but a cry to experience grace?
and is the unyielding heart a longing for



humility?


and that in which lies of itself
cannot furthermore be expounded upon
for one controls the other
and other dependent thereon

so we with circled logic think
and poke and prod the Word
to search its nooks and crannies when
grace o'er overlooms

hope in humility

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entanges, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

~Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)
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you know, i started this off as a complaint, but after rereading the QT passage from a couple days ago and listening to "People get Ready... Jesus is Coming" cover by Avalon, I'm encouraged overall to run with perseverance.

"People get ready! Jesus is Coming! soon we'll be going home!"

so tired. depressing meet-ups. Ah, my God. i praise you that you redeem it all for your glory and i am merely a steward entrusted with your things.

so i pray, as i have been, sadly, with many tears and lamentations about how i desire true fulfillment from living water, i pray that you rain down your flood. overflow and wash away all that is Annie.




and i long for the day I can see our Lord! so people, GET READY. our Lord Jesus Christ is coming and soon, we'll be FREE from this world!

uncertainty

yay for february.

but bummer that today was so wasted. as in, my devotion to the Lord at that new room in SGM was so affected because of the new location.

and so when Min was speaking of attachment to White Harvest or Navigators rather than to God, it put my pride to shame. yet it was weird that i still didn't get anything from the sermon (YET).

ah well, at least the sermon blessed others. maybe there are things that still need lifting up to God.

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but i fear during our small group, i was harsher than need be.

well, someone shared about how she didn't feel close to God and had basically fallen away since 1 1/2 years. our leader, Jo, then said that no matter what we'll do, God will be there, he'll hold onto us even though we let go of Him and run away.

and for some reason... i added to that and pulled out my trusty "fact, faith, feeling" train that i ALWAYS rely on to illustrate the point of basing our faith on fact from the Word and not merely on fleshly feeling.

And then, for some reason, probably because God has been speaking to me on this as well, is that, when we sin, and we fall away for extended periods of time, there are consequences. consequences such that we do not experience grace as richly, we are given less of a circumstance to bless the body of Christ, and have them bless us back... and other more serious consequences and punishments (see Hebrews 10)

all these warnings and punishments. i don't know if these words came from my legalistic spirit or was it honesty and bluntness spoken out of truth.

i do hope it was the latter

and i pray that my words will not drive her farther from our beloved Lord.